Wednesday, April 4, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Douche Platoon


Another tight vote in which all three HCwDB finalists received solid arguments and excellent deconstructions and dissections by the panel discussants. It came down to one or two votes, and after applying a slightly weighted formula to discount for the possibility of multiple voting, the winner is the Douche Platoon.

Give it up to these four soldiers of scrote. Mercenaries of mold. Generals of gel.

As if inspired by a speech from Puka-Shell Patton himself, they surround their outgunned hottie and, like the painting of the Last Supper, they pose for eternity with their douchey charms on full display.

There is a touch of poetry to this picture. A moment of unearthly delight surrounded by rank douchebaggery on all sides. A statement of hope amidst dystopian blight. Of potential amidst greasy carnage.

As el douchablo makes the case:

Got to vote for the platoon. You get four uber-douchebags where each one is a competition on it’s own. They douche as a well oiled team. And with all their games and pickups they snagged an ubber hottie with a perfect body. In my mind other contestants don’t come close.

Strong points E.D. However, Velveeta ‘Bag’s Euro charms also brought him plenty of verbal bowel movements, as jeffpack9 demonstrates:

I have to go with Velveeta. Although, realistically, Eurodouche is more than likely her brother, everything about this “fella” is douche. And well, she has a sweetness to her that screams “I don’t care if you’re a douche, I love you anyway big bro!” And that’s gotta speak for something. I would vote for Platoon on any other given day, but I’ve no sympathy for her, in fact, she seems quite pleased with her score o’ scrote. And that shouldn’t be rewarded.

mitch meats opens a can of philoso whoopass and comes up Dharma:

Dharma ‘Bag: What is the sound of one douche fapping? If a bag falls in the woods when nobody is around, does anyone care? For some reason, I am envisioning a swimming pool chicken fight with one side being Dharma riding astraddle Ol’ Number Seven vs. Douche Lee atop the Donk. ‘Cause I’m just that sick. And his chicks are lovely, never underestimate the power of a nice back. OH! I just noticed the poster for Umphrey’s McGee, aka Sh@$y Jam Band #379. That pretty much seals the deal. Dharma FTW.

But nostradouchemus consulted the mystical prognosticators to settle in on the Douche Platoon:

For the frail sinner Velveeta, we must speak for him, for he has, in ignorance of his sins, provided us no voice. So we seek the truths found in this image: two fair-haired youths much as is found in far northern european lands; verily, the fairer one might respond with an effervescent “Ja!” upon looking ‘neath this monks robes (auto-flagellation followed by self-flagellation again to-night); the cigarette held in non-new world manner; and lastly, the “Hollywood” illumination also uncommon in the new world. Perhaps we might allow the Romeo of Reykjavik some dispensation -for ignornace of the standard by which he is judged- and for not putting the pork to a Bjork.

This leaves the examiner with the varied stellae de scrota collapsing inward toward the sun, our Phoebe, sol solis, puella pulchrituda. Damn the heavens if you dare, but damn these scoundrels to HCwD of the Week infamy because you must.

Excellent visionary work, Nostradouchemas. In the end, the Platoon stormed the beaches of Douchemandy and took home the win. As Disciple of Scrote sums it up:

Platoon deservedly takes the cake for me this week. they all show signs of late-stage bag syndrome here..there is NO chance of reversal at this point. I wish Tom Berrenger was there to kick each of them in the nads with his combat boots while willem dafoe eloquently lectured a speech upon the moral atrocities which these bags have committed.

Dharma ‘Bag came close, but Platoon went over the top and took home hotness. So lets give it up to the Army from Miami, raise their collective greased up jerseys to the rafters, and let ’em rest up for the monthly contest, where they will face some stiff competition. And by stiff competition, I mean something that implies stiff means penis.

# posted by douchebag1

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