Monday, April 30, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Glendouchey Glen Bagg Edition

Hooboy this is going to be a drag out smack ’em down hair pulling Axe Bodyspray squirting fight to the finish this week. We have three aged bottles of 18 year Glenbaggy scotch to choose from. To paraphrase the tough loving Alec Baldwin’s advice to these three choad traders, A.B.D.

Always Be Douching. Always. Be. Douching.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Fish Slap

Put. Those dog tags down. Dog tags. Are for douchebags.

It’s hard to argue with such classic signfiers of all-American douchebaggery. The eye shavings. The nose piercing. The giant diamond earring. Sure this chin stubbley stubblebag has appeared on the site before. But when it comes down to the purity of essence that defines douchebaggery, is this not he?

I ask you. Is. This. Not. He? Yes. Yes it is.

Man boobs and hat tilt round out the goodness. And by goodness I mean badness. And by badness I mean douche.

She’s got one of those cute little mouths I could crawl into and hide for a weekend or three. And fantastic sexy eyes. I know I always write about boobies being, well, boobies. But the eyes are important too. Because I’m magnanimous like that.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Link

Will you put on a shirt? Put on a shirt. Will. You. Put on a shirt!

I used the second pic we’ve seen of Link because it further confirms the fantasticness of the brunette waif’s perfection as well as introduces a mysterious second femme angling to steal the Glendouchey leads.

But really, a plastic chain necklace + ginormous mandana? Shirtless, hoop earring, annoying tatt and smug douchey expression? Fantastic. Pure, uncut HCwDB-ery.

Yet there’s something performative about the pic. Like they’re starring in the off-Broadway production of Douche Man Group. But that is no determent. This pic is pure fantastic hottie/douchey wrongness. It deserves respect. And by respect I mean spew.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Raccoon

You never open your mouth until you know who the ‘bag is.

What else can be said about terminal stage-4 D.J/Rockerbag wrongness? The hair, the eye shadow, the Japanese tatt which, roughly translated means, “I bow to your cereal.”

And hottie’s award winning young-Sheryl-Crow goodness can not be ignored. She is country rocking pink bra sporting cleavite revealing DB1 inspiring happy town. She is essence of hotness. A bouillon cube of sex.

Oh, and he’s got black fingernails. And is fondling her abs while staring at you as if to announce where he’s going to be spending the rest of his evening spreading his unholy greasitude.

Are you going to take it?

Yes. Yes you are.

On the rage factor, this pic is overwhelming. On the hot factor, her Daisy Dukes kill puppies. Cute, furry puppies. Who didn’t do anything wrong.

So there’s your three choices. These are the new ‘bags. These are the Glendouchey ‘bags. Remember, first prize is a douchebag with hottie. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is, well, another douchebag with hottie who happened to come in third.

Mitch and Murray remind you to vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 7 + 10 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)