Monday, April 16, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Hair

This week’s choice cuts of douche-meat and the hotties who find solace in their greasy charms has a nicely dated douche-hair motif going on. So, like the ensemble cast of the Broadway hit musical Hair, from Treat Williams and Beverly D’Angelo, we’re going to bust out in spontaneous song, dance around on a stage naked, and represent the counterculture through clever Broadway choreography. Lettttt the douche shinee…. letttt the douche shine in…

Now remember.

The key to a HCwDB vote is to clear your mind from all distractions. If you’re at work, I expect you to do no work for the next two hours while you contemplate your vote. Zen yourself. Breathe in. Let your gaze fall upon each of these three wankoffs and the hotties who love them. Factor in the scrote. Factor in the gel. Factor in the hotness. Let your emotions swirl like a Lohan prescription drug cocktail. Hatred, depression, arousal, hope, exhilaration, crotch itch, all must enter the mind only through that most primal place of emotive discourse — the subconscious.

From there you will feel yourself pulled to one of the three pics more than the other two. Do not doubt your impulses. Let your conscious mind begin to process the decision. And cast your vote proudly.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hair Magnon

A douche celeb for the teen crowd, Hair Magnon knows the proper way to go hair-douche. Full speed ahead.

Sure he doesn’t feature any of the other signs of classic ‘baggery. No hand gestures. Relatively benign expression.

But that hair. And that smug grin. And of course that sexy cutie with the fantastic smile.

Together, they make purple.

Also, is that the hint of a puka shell necklace peeking out? I really shouldn’t make too much fun of the puka shells. I, like every other ‘bag on here, have owned a puka shell necklace in my past.

Of course it was back when I was high school scrote. So I take that back. Lets rag on the coral snake signifier of ‘bag accessory.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Douchsplosion


Another relatively benign looking wannabe rocker scroad, but with utterly fantastic douche-fro.

There’s a certain point where I begin to respect a ‘bag for busting hair to such a nuclear extent. And by respect I mean increased mocking.

The hairless chest and bizarre almost masturbatory gripping of the beer bottle round out Douchesplosion’s argument for HCwDBotW honors.

And the hotness of both of these 20 year old Arizona State level cuties enhances the inverted ‘bag sandwich appeal of the pic, and don’t hurt neither.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Ab Lobster


Okay, Ab Lobster isn’t like the other two in featuring the cactii hair. Instead he’s absolutely abhorrent.

Featuring the amulet that saved Bastian in The Neverending Story, Ab Lobster is a cross between an uber-guido Jersey douche and a 1980s children’s film. I don’t know whether to throw him out of the club or help him find a giant talking muppet.

There was some discussion of sexy blonde’s potential pregnancy in the comments thread. I don’t see it, I think it’s just an awkward position, but either way I’d read her Cervantes by candlelight while fondling her middle toes in extremely awkward and creepy ways.

Okay folks, them’s the candidates. Definitely a less fantastic class than last week, but what are ya gonna do. Some great submissions came in over the weekend, so gear up for a heavy week of hottie/scrotey analysis.

And cast your vote for this week’s contest, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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