Monday, April 23, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Runts

The DB1 had one of those lost weekends where you’re up all night, drunk, disorientated, and haunted by images of Lobster Abs, Douche Lee and Purg Hottie dancing in your peripheral vision like so many Wu Li Masters. Each apparition helping to form the outline of a giant spectral Pumpy. And if that sounds like an all night party, be assured, it was.

As to this week’s contest, coming down off the sinus disrupting intoxication of both The Lobster’s weekly victory and The Rooster’s triumphant ascendance in the Monthly douche-off, is no easy thing. The good news is we have three sweet candy mint flavored HCwDB pics up for processing and judgment. So it is to the greatest candy of my pre-teen years, Runts, that I dedicate this week’s contest. On to the finalists…

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: 1-800 Got Bagg


Got Bagg is one of those sneaky HCwDB pics that grows on you over time even if you might overlook it when it first appeared on the site.

She’s sneaky hot, not the type to knock you over the head with an Apple Martini chick drink, but the covert, sipping beer until doing shots with you at 2am type.

And that smile is fantastic.

Slender, soft beanstalk bodies like hers speak to a universe ruled by a kind and benevolent deity who loves all of us. Positioned next to Got Bagg Scroad, and the universe is empty, cold and barren.

Either way, I’m eating a bowl of corn pops.

HCwDB Finalist #2: Club Douche


Fantastic hottie. Fantastic douche.

Last month, after extensive debate and discussion on the site, we made an official ruling that gaybags do not officially qualify as douche for the simple reason that their various affectations are not douched up in the act of pursuing the proverbial hottie.

But that should not influence voting on this pic. Without overt confirmation of gaybag status, this pic must be considered under the existing heterosexual douche rubric.

And besides, look at this guy.

Club him. Now.

HCwDB Finalist #3: Purg Hottie


Some people say I have an unhealthy obsession with Purg Hottie. If building candle lit shrines out of wax, body hair and newspaper clippings in your basement is “obsession” then I’m guilty as charged.

It’s not just that I want to carry Purg off, cover her in marshmallow peeps and microwave her into a juicy candy burrito of melting love. Well yes, I suppose it is just that.

But it’s also her ability to attract rogue choad, as I observed prior. Other than H.B.T. herself, few hotties have demonstrated such a multitudinous rainbow coalition of scrotraction. She makes my happy places want to sip on gin and juice, laid back style.

So them’s your three. Remember to weigh both sides of the scale before voting. The hotness of the hottie. The desire to punch through a plate glass window due to the wrongness of the ‘bag’s charmless spew.

Weigh each pic. Then vote, as always, in the comments thread below.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 5 + 5 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)