Monday, April 9, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Scubadouche Edition

Another solid week of submissions, and I’m pleased to see the pics have been refocusing on two of the international capitals of hottie/douchey pairings, the Miami and the Jersey. Two fetid swamps that, while occasionally producing excellent Cuban food in the former, and the occasional singer/songwriter in the latter, have been grease generating douche powerhouses during the past fifteen years. They are Cities of International ‘Baggery. And in their honor, we dedicate this week’s HCwDB of the Week contest.

For that reason I dub this week’s contest Scubadouche. Before you cast your vote I want you to clear your mind and ask yourself this simple question: If you were about to go scuba diving, and could drag only one of these three to the bottom of the ocean with you on your dive, which one would it be?

Hold that thought, and lets get to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: NewlyBags


NewlyBags are pure classic grade HC and DB swirl, right off the soft serve ice-cream truck of douchebaggery.

It’s not enough that Diamond Nick here sports the plucked eyebrows, muscle shirt and two tone stubble of a true Jerseyite ‘bag, nor that hottie makes me long to hear her talk about the sale at Nordstroms while lying next to me after we’ve performed coitus. It’s the dude stripping down in the back.

And this is an important subfactor of the merits and values of a HCwDB pic as we move forward. The ancillary cast of ‘bags. The action in the foreground and background. Not just the joy/pain of the gut-smack of the HC and DB, but what else the picture brings to round out the spew. And by spew I mean Puma arm bands. This is a worthy entry in the contest, and naked guy sends it to another level of wrong entirely.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Cowlick

I used the genius of the Cowlick for my “Welcome” email for newbies, but the merits of this unholy scrote and his gorgeous beau are well worthy of finalist status in any week’s HCwDB smackdown.

Look at that rancid tongue. It speaks to me.

Cowlick tongue: Hi there, everyone! I’m the tongue of a raging douchebag, in case you couldn’t tell. His hair smells like musty socks and his cologne causes sparrows to convulse and drop from the air in mid flight. Also, when nobody’s looking, he makes me lick his own kneecaps. Please, cut me out. I beg of you. I can’t take much more of this!!

Sorry Cowlick tongue. I wouldn’t approach you with a ten foot clamp.

Hottie’s utter obliviousness to the saliva spew heading towards her iris suggests tragic Bleeth infection. But her cleavite is pale, warm and inviting. In fact, her cleavite speaks to me as well.

Cleavite: Love me, DB1. Lick me. Nuzzle my soft pillowy charms. But first, kick Cowlick in his mishapen and asymmetrical scrotae.

I would if I could, Hottie Cleavite. I would if I could.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Kevin McScrote

PIC DELETED

What more can be said about the pumped up genius that is K. McS? They still sing folkloric songs about his legend from Daytona to Key West.

And the Woo Girls make the pic all the better. I would twelve pack their Coors Lights with a free cozy from Best Buy, then take them to the Outback Steakhouse and feast on sirloin.

Honorable mention must go out to the absolutely metal filling melting fantastic corset wearing hottie and her neo-punk emo brother in last week’s Punk Rock ‘Bag. Good times.

Okay ‘bag hunters and cuties, this is your assignment.

Pick one of the three, and only one, who rises to the top, who induces spew, rage, vomit, arousal and the desire to feast on sirloin enough for you to call that pic “HCwDB of the Week.” Then post your vote, with your explanation why, in the comments thread below.

# posted by douchebag1

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