Monday, May 14, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: Abs, Slaps, Choads and Man Boobs Edition

Okay ‘bags, ‘bag hunters and hotties, put down the bottles of Night Train, drop the HoHos, and gather round the pixelated fire. It’s time for another Monthly Ultimate Douche-Off Championship. This month’s four weekly winners each represent distinct subsections of the baggie/hottie kingdom. From retched, all the way to putrid. The choices are many, but the rankness is complete.

Last month’s winner, The Rooster, was one of those slow burn pics. At first it seemed too ridiculous. But the eyebrow shavings and ultimate hot championship winning perkiness of his companion sent the pic into ascendance until douche orbit was achieved.

Which of these four pics will rise to that level of ultimate hottie/douchosity? The answer, my friends, is blowing in the scrotum. The answer is blowing in the scrotum.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #1: Purg Hottie and Rogue Choad

The DB1’s unhealthy obsession with Purg Hottie is well known. But let the record show that camping out for three days in her recycling bin in the alleyway near her parents’ house just for the chance to drool on her discarded can of Del Monte Peas doesn’t make me weird. Just dedicated.

Rogue Choad here is a phenomenal example of free agent douchebaggery. Those wandering single cell douchebags who practice the symbiote method. Float around, then attach themselves to a host hottie before engaging in ‘bag hand gesture and the douche-face. Rogue Choad may be a clown, but do not underestimate his powers of douchosity. For they are many. And she’s, uhm, how you say, hot.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #2: Manmaries aka Man Boobs

The hot army cutie.

That.

Together, in a bleak suburban wasteland parking lot. The Warriors, they will come out and play. And Cyrus is pissed.

The disturbing facets of this pic are many. Not the least are the genetic leap from performative femininity to actual breast growth in the adult douchebag male.

And the fact I would masticate on hotties lower thigh like a toothless, feral snake charmer. This is a worthy pic, my friends. Do not underestimate it’s combo scrotey/sexy power to disturb.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #3: Fish Slap

What more to be said about a pic so hottie/douchey wrong that sixteen readers simultanously gouged out their eyes with ice-cream scoops?

Too much 10 Degree Hat Tilt plus Eyebrow Shavings makes Johnny turn douchebaggy. Give me the nose piercing, Wendy. Give me the nose piercing!

She is sexy all-American girl next door goodness. His chin grates cheese at the local Shoneys.

Throw in stylish dogtags and mini man boobs to rival Manmaries, and you have all the ingredients for a classic HCwDB spew inducing cup of pleasegodkillme.

HCwDB Monthly Finalist #4: The Ab Lobster

As someone aptly observed in the comments thread when this pic first appeared.

Pointing. At. His. Abs.

And lets not forget The Lobster Trap’s second unforgettable ass slapping appearance.

It’s hard to argue with this combination of sweet innocence and three week old sloppy joe meat.

Ab Lobster is everything we think of when we think of douchebaggery. And blondie may be Jersey, but I would love her kneecaps like four year olds eat paste.

Well there they are, folks.

Give it up to four award winning and worthy HCwDB pics.

But only one will survive as our Monthly Winner.

Remember the rules of voting. You must weigh the combined douche-essence of each pic in its totality. It’s aura of human wrongness. The power of the hottie to make you want to eat phonebooks. The disturbing putrid vileness of the ‘bag. Together, they make choad.

Will it be Manmaries? Or Ab Lobster? Or the Fish Slap? Or will Purg Hottie and her Free Agent Choadbag ascend as our Monthly winner?

The rules are clear. The pics are scroad.

The choice is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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