Wednesday, May 16, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: Fish Slap


Unbelievable. He’s like the T-1000 of douchebaggery. He will not stop… until we are ‘bagged.

But taking down the mighty Lobster? I didn’t think it could be done. After all, pointing. At. His. Abs.

And yet the eyebrow shaving, the hat tilt, the affect on next-generation douche like Minnow Slap in pic #2, the power of the hottie and the douche-chin were too much for even the wily crustacean to overcome.

Fish Slap has appeared before on the site, as Kangaroo Poo and as a Friday Haiku back in January. But like a stealthy deep sea tuna, he waited for his moment to strike. And by strike I mean scrote supreme.

Beelzebag lays out the case for a serving of Fish Slap Supreme over the Power of the Lobster:

While I hate to disagree with Vinny and X, White pants, spray-on abs, and douche-face cannot compete with one SHAVED EYEBROW. You can change your pants, rub turpentine on your abs and put on a “normal face”, but only time itself can erase a shaved eyebrow. The shaved eyebrow alone says “I am 100% committed to the art of douchebaggery”.

Nicely put, Beelzebag. Another fan of the Slapster, The Douchemeister, reminds us to never forget the power of the douche-chin:

Man I fell of my chair when I saw this chin.

You can dress/act as douchey as you want, but you´ll NEVER get a chin like that! It´s perfection!

All hail Fish Slap!

And so we shall. But The Lobster put up a valiant fight, and was even in the lead for awhile. Old friend Baron Von Douchehausen sums up all that is wrong with the Lobster’s douchey ways:

Sometimes the the douchebaggery side of the equation renders all the other parts moot. Ab Lobster renders all Western notions of logic, rhetoric, reasoning, dialectic, induction, deduction, and mathematics meaningless every time he smirks and points to his pathetic little tummy muscles.

Yes, Ab Lobster, yes, those are the muscles with which we all puke.

Well done, BvD. Good to have you back on the site. Purg Hottie and Manmaries, came in a distant 3rd and 4th in what was essentially a two way race. But newbie hottie KellyBelly remnds us never to forget the Jersey scroad, casting in with Manmaries for the win:

Ab Lobster’s hottie just doesn’t do it for me. Call me crazy, but I’m not really into blonds. Never have been, never will be.

As for Moobs’ hottie, I would absolutely fornicate with her, and I’m not even gay.

So in conclusion, my vote goes to #2 because the HC is very hot and the choad with her is all kinds of awful. Although I do believe Ab Lobster should probably win because he’s just that much of a tool on his own.

Mmm… KellyBelly and Manmaries Army Hottie… nice. Supreme ‘bag hunter Baron Von Goolo lays out the case for Purg Hottie and the Rogue Choad, a case the DB1 agrees merits further consideration going forward:

Rogue Choad – has nothing. NOTHING I SAY! No bling, no unique topiary chin pubes – hell, he’s even wearing a white collared shirt. But this doesn’t stop him from compensating for his stick insect physique with his oh-so-uproarious Pauly Shore off Ritalin impression. Delightful. Purgie’s not throwing a gang sign: she’s ready to wheel on him and perfom a transorbital lobotomy. Moe Howard style. But not before she finishes her Long Island Ice Tea.

Rogue Choad is by FAR the least deserving of his steamy, sultry vixenette. He is also the least deserving of oxygen. A douche among deeche. By default if nothing else, I tip my hat to him.

And by tip I mean empty and by hat I mean revolver.

But in the end, the Slapster had all the right attributes for a Monthly victor. As Andre the Giant Douche takes home the case for F.C.:

After losing sleep last night over this decision I think I am finally ready to vote. Gotta go with Fish Slap, he is a machine. This is a great example of how study, dedication, and attention to detail can lead to perfection…he is an immaculate douche. He’s like the Michael Jordan of douchebags. I hate to not vote for Ab Lobster, the scrote was seen wearing white pants and pointing at his own abs on multiple occasions…which inspires thoughts of violence and rage I didn’t think I was capable of. But in the end Fish Slap’s flawless execution of textbook ‘bag strategy was enough to conquer just about any foe. I agree with Freak on a Douche, if this site had logo, or needed one image to sum up the content, vision, and mission of the site, Fish Slap would be it.

And so, like The Rooster before him, we elevate Fish Slap’s Jersey as a Monthly winner. Fantastic work in the comments threads, as always, another classic deconstruction, demythologization and devolution of all things de douchey/hottie rank and spewy.

Good work. Toast a cup of the ‘Train to the Fish Slap and his Hottie. For they have transcended.

# posted by douchebag1

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