Wednesday, May 2, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Fish Slap


What can I say about the genius that was this week’s Discussion Thread? The various levels of scalpel-like dissection of all things hottie/douchey performed by the regulars, as well as a crop of excellent newbies, was like a whiff of Axe Bodyshot on a warm summer’s eve. It was pretty genius. If you have the means, I highly recommend you take a read.

This was an epic struggle between the old-school douchitude of Fish Slap, the ironic post-modern performative douchebaggery of The Link, and the next wave futurist scrote of DJ Racoon. After we crested 110 votes, anonymous 3:16AM let loose with the frustration we all felt at having to choose between these three heaping spoonfuls of tasty, but very different, scroad:

ITS A DRAW!! LET THERE BE A DRAW!!! LIFT THEIR JERSEYS TO THE RAFTERS!! LET THEIR MEMORIES DOUCHE ETERNAL IN THE HALL OF SCROTE!! ALL THREE ARE REVODOUCHIONARIES AND HAVE PERFECTED THEIR PARTICULAR SUBGENRE OF SCROTE!! WE CANNOT IGNORE WHAT EACH OF THEM HAS DONE FOR THE WORLD OF DOUCHING!!! I TYPED IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT INSINUATES THAT I AM YELLING – KIND OF LIKE IN THE TOWN SQUARE OR FROM THE TOP OF A PULPIT!!!

Were that we could declare a draw, anon 3:16am. But the ghosts of past winners haunt us. They task us with this undertaking, and we cannot let them down. And so we must choose.

And behold, the voters spoketh. And yea, they cast their lots. And lo, the Fish Slap found the middle finger of the Lord had chosen him ‘bag among ‘bags. Wank among poo. And the Lord beheld what he had chosen, and knew that it was scrote.

The Racoon made a massive push but in the end fell only a few votes short of catching the classic rage inducing smugness of Fish Slap. But we learned something in this battle. We learned that there are those who define douchebaggery according to classic lines, and others who forge an expansive definition. We learned that some are transfixed by the peak of a tiny tattoo from above a hottie’s jeans, while even the power of a fantastic brunette in a bikini and a plastic chain necklace can’t elevate a smug scrote who looks like he’s acting.

There were so many brilliant comments this week, there is no way I can choose any one or two to feature, so I will simply let the ever present anonymous 3:22pm sum up what it came down to for the winner Fish Slap:

every time I glance at that hat, I die a little.

Don’t we all, anon. Don’t we all.

Yea, tho we walk through the valley of the shadow of douche, let us fear no eyebrow shavings. For the hotties are with us.

We must be brave. We must be strong. We must soldier onward. Amen.

# posted by douchebag1

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