Tuesday, May 29, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Trenton Edition

Three enter. Only one advances.

Yes, ‘bags, ‘bag hunters, hotties and choadscrotes, before we get to the smorgasboard of new pics I have in the hopper for this week, it’s time for the HCwDB of the Week contest. And we’re going it Trenton Style. This week’s ‘bag-off features three surprisingly classic selections of hottie/douchey wrongness. Well, two classics. And one pic that’s just, well, absolutely surreal. I speak, of course, of the legendary Oompa Prompa.

But I get ahead of myself. And by get ahead of myself I mean my shirt smells like moldy cheese. That’s what I get for a three day weekend. Speaking of cheese, Lets get to the goods. And by goods, I mean cheese:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Syndrome

It’s not just that he looks like a Pixar animated bad guy, or that his mug is smirking with the greased up chin stubbley half-grin we have long established on this site as what I like to call “Classic ‘Bag.” And like any classic, it still delivers. And be delivers I mean makes me slam my head in a car door. But it’s not just his choady swill that makes this a worthy pic.

It’s that tall glass of Hot Chocolate. Megods she makes my toenails curl.

Sexy dress, sweet smile. As always in the Weekly we must weigh both the douchitude of the douchebag and the arousing aroma of hotness. This pic has both. All that and a douchetacular wrist-band on Syndrome’s “gun” hand. A worthy competitor for the Weekly, indeed.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Oompa Prompa

Oompa Prompa is very orange.

His visage is already iconic and legend here at HCwDB and will grow moreso with every spiked follicle.

And while I worry about contract hits on my life for featuring potentially “connected” offspring on the site, I’ll console myself with the fact that Tony Soprano seems to have a pretty good sense of self deprecating humor. And since I believe everything I see on T.V., I’m going to assume others have that same ability to laugh at all things douchey, even the self inflicted kind.

So again, please do not hurt me. I have deep and profound respect for New Jersey. I’m a huge douchebag myself, only without hot chick. Do not seek violent retribution on my face. Instead, pity me. For I am Douchebag #1.

That being said, Orange. Orange.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Luck of the Baggish

Frost-tipped Douchey Charms, they’re Baggishly delicious!

It seems like all three of our ‘bags this week have left the realm of realistic human portrayal and entered a new zone. The only word for it is the “Douchetoon Zone.” They’ve slipped off the reservation and gone into pure drawn character mode.

‘Baggish is fantastic Jersey shore A-List scroad. The type that even Bruce Springsteen couldn’t write a nostalgic song about. Hottie on the right may be inflated, but has a sweet smile and looks like the type I could discuss Proust with over a glass of Pino Noir. And by Pino, I mean something something.

So there’s they are. Which’ll it be? ‘Baggish? Oompa? Or Syndrome?Line ’em up, and pick one.

I put it to you, Greg. Isn’t this an indictment of our entire American douchebaggery? Yes. Yes it is.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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