Wednesday, June 20, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: Night of the Creeper


As we weigh, dissect and parse the various manifests of a truly superior hottie/douchey pic, it is rare that we settle upon one that only features a tight semi-closeup. Usually the qualities we look for in a classic HCwDB pic — the rage factor, the douched out bling, the hand gestures, the hot hottie with deer in a headlights fear as her douchey man tackles her for the photo — must be seen at least in medium shot to take in the full essence of hottie/douchebaggery wrongness.

Not this time. Total domination. The Creeper by a mile.

For the rare feat of winning a Monthly simply on the utter skeezyness and rancid wrongness of his alien lizard tongue, as well as his innocent doe-eyed hottie, The Creeper marks an impressive first here at HCwDB. A Monthly hottie/douchey pic that transcended with relatively close framing. The eloquent ‘bag slayer, Vinny Scumbaglia, makes the case:

the Creeper’s sole positive attribute is that someone drove a nail straight into his tongue. It is a sad fact but undoubtedly demonstrable through focus groups that the strumpet pictured with the revered Twins is trounced by the Creeper’s Valkyrie.

Even with puka, pink paisley and topped with scroteknot, he might be semi-stomachable when posing responsively, with due respect, alongside this woman he has stolen from my dreams.

But he doesn’t and he isn’t: he chooses to debase her, us, and nearby galaxies with his vile brand of doucheposturing.

So, puhleeze, staple this bastard, hard, onto the Post Office Wall of The Most Douchey that is the Hall of Scrote. I want to remember his face in the off chance I see him Crossing the Street, I can Run Him Over.

Well said, V.S. Well said. It seems the puka+pony+tongue-stud were the winning adouchremenets that took the Creeper over the Twin Bags, ChandlerBag and The Mack. As kellybelly reminds us, the neglected Chandlerbag does feature an important ‘Bag Mark on his forehead:

I’m voting for Chandler Bag and the Bump and here’s why: PENIS. ON. HIS. FORHEAD. Thank you.

’nuff said.

Summoning up a small but dedicated audience, the Twin Bags also found some love. And by love I mean twinkies. As Lone Scrote McQuade put it:

The Twins are a cold and unfeeling duo of disease that reels in and destroys men of lesser character with the dark lady of scrote. They are the real threat for now. And so are they crowned.

In any given month, The Twin Bags would be enough to take the crown. But the Creeper just overpowered all competition with that tongue. That creepy disgusting tongue. As Zen ‘Bag Master chozSun sums it up:

That said, whereas I can seek calm and balance in towards some type of resolution that is Chandler and Bumper, the picture of The Creeper stops me in my tracks. Whatever energy I can pull from wanting to destroy Creeper to save the hottie, it goes for nothing when you take in the entire picture the Creeper, the connection of tongues and the look on the hottie’s face. The Creeper’s expression is that he has won not only the battle but the war itself. Next, if you look closely enough, you can see the hottie’e soul being sucked dry via tongue. Finally, the look on the hottie’s face is not of “help me!” but of “there is no hope for me, save yourself”. But by the time you were close enough to take in the wrongness of what you were actually seeing, her warning came too late as you are keeled over in sheer agonizing misery and hopelessness. This picture shows that not only there is no hope for mankind but there is nothing you can do about it.

Very eloquent smackdown, ChozSun. Or, as Mistress Julie more succinctly puts it:

Again I vote for the Creeper. That guy oozes gross.

Yes, Mistress J. Yes he does.

Raise The Creeper’s ponytail/puka/tongue to the rafters. We have one of the most genuinely creepy, sleezy ‘Bags in awhile, polluting a hottie with an alien zombie tongue that lays eggs in our brains. I’m actually a big frightened that that tongue is out there. And you should be, too.

# posted by douchebag1

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