Monday, June 18, 2007

HCwDB of the Month

In a month of hottie/choad abundance in which we’ve sailed the douchey winds to such unexplored heights as The Joey Porsche Experience and the Oompa Prompa, the following four pics may not be auto “Hall of Scrote,” but they have fought the battles and worn the scars to make it to the finals.

Each is a worthy selection of the rotting fetid doucheyness caught in mid-grease, as well as the gorgeous cottonballs of Hott that fell into their scrotey orbit. Four can enter. But only one can win the Monthly.

So sure, I could keep rambling here about my long weekend of drunken debauchery, my endless run-ins with Bleethed out Hollywood Hotties who asked me what car I drove until my posse left because, “this place is dead anyways.” But you don’t want to hear about my sorry-ass life. You want the finalists. So here they is:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Creeper

The Tongue of Wrongness. The leaping alien slug that turns us into zombies and lays eggs in our brains.

We see a lot of sleazy/sexy combo permutations here at HCwDB, but something about the unique wrongness struck a nerve with Hot/’Bag-Nation.

Maybe it’s the tongue stud + puka shell combo on a pudgy middle aged clown who refuses to go gently into that good night.

Maybe it’s that perfectly sexy drink of Swedish Nordic Hitlerian master race fantasy.

I would attack her ankles with the inspired energy of a Jack Russell terrier on sixteen pills of No-Doze.

So what do we look for in a special HCwDB pic? That perfect swirling mix of utterly skeezy wrongness, douched out clothes, a mini mustache that makes you want to spew burrito chunks like Heather #1, and a perfect ball of hot that couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t actually be in that presence. But is.

This pic’s got it in spades.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: ChandlerBag and the Bumper

Have you ever seen a bumper that perfect?

No, not since breakfast.

Yeah, I might be rehashing overused Fletch dialogue, but when under the gravitational pull of Perfectus Assicus there can be no other reaction.

She is perfect pouty lipped Nobel Sexy Prize winning uberperfection.

And then there’s Chandlerchoad. With the ancient “mark of the ‘bag” on his greasy forehead. What they used to call the Cockinballs. The signifier of true scrotebaggitude.

Beware the Cockinballs, perfect bumpered hottie. For he has the mark of the ‘bag.

Not to mention, an expression of punch-worthy douchitude.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Mack

Classic Jersey Scroad, served up on a greasy fryer and garnished with two spicy chiquita bananas, The Mack is true HCwDB spew.

This is an interesting pic, as the rage factor on the Mack is more than the sum of any parts. It is inspirational HCwDB ethereal impulse.

Like a flash of inspiration, a moment of spiritual clarity, or a baseball bat to the genitals.

I would love perky Zebra Hottie in enough permutations to require an extra chapter in the 2008 Kama Sutra. Or at least I like to tell myself that. Actually I’d give her 20 seconds of awkward bra fumbling before she called her Sorority sisters to complain that I’m a “perv.” Which, of course, I am.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Twin ‘Bags

Ah, you’d forgotten about the Twin ‘Bags.

Silly you.

While you’d moved on to other servings of douchey choadbags hitting on rosarie beaded hotties, The Twin ‘Bags lay in wait to surprise you once again.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Meh. I’m over it. But I give you two key points to make you reconsider this pic.

One: Mandana that is literally so big, the New York skyline is on it. And two: Twins.

So, like a JoeyPorsche trip to “Acapulo,” four bag/hottie couples enter. Only one can triumph. What say you? Should the Monthly Crown go to the Twin ‘Bags? Chandlerbag’s Cockinballs? The Mack? Or the Creeper?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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