Monday, June 11, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

Welcome back, fellow journeyers on the dark exploration of a mass culture gone Douche. I’ve spent the weekend meditating on the ‘Bag genius that is JoeyPorsche. I’ve focused on the pain of plucked eyebrows as a test of my psyche. And by Sunday I had achieved a state of what I like to call Zen Porsche. In other words, I digggggggg.

So while it should be time for the HCwDB Monthly, I’m making an executive decision and bumping The Prompa directly to the Hall of Scrote. There’s just no way mere mortal hottie/douchey combos can compete with that genius. And by genius, I mean orange chocolate stirring short guys who sing rhythmic chants to teach young children important lessons.

Secondly, I’m itching to line up last week’s top pics while they’re still fresh in everyone’s mind. Fresh, of course, meaning rage inducing, psychosis triggering, moldy peaches of “How in holy ass smelling New Jersey is she with him?” wrongness.

Finally, I’m promoting the Prompa to honor the fact Tony Soprano got whacked and America didn’t seem to be able to figure it out. We’ll bump the Monthly to next Monday, in which one of these three fine cuts of quality ‘Bag/Hott will take on the previous three Weekly winners. So without further ado, do ya digggggg? Here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Creeper

With an alien space slug tongue from a 1980s horror film, The Creeper does a good job making me feel, well, extremely dirty.

On the rage scale, his quasi-Japanese hair pullback, earrings, classic teenage puka shell necklace which not only screams douuuuuuche like JoeyPorsche on a three day bender, but an OldBag desperately trying to hang on to a long faded youth, all make this pic transcendently douchey.

It ain’t 1982, bub. The tongue piercing makes you ‘Bag, OldBag and uberBag all in one scrotey stroke. Yeech.

Patsy Kensit Perfection only makes the whole thing worse. Holy sweet Vishnu, someone tell me right after this pic was taken, we arbitrarily cut to black. Oh wait, no moving imagery here. Just this searing electroshock to my scrotate forever.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Blister

The Blister is an important test case in this week’s contest as it’s one of the rare HCwDB pics that features an overpoweringly juicyfruit hottie with your standard issue run of the mill choad with kung-fu grip.

Well, he does have a pretty fantstically douchey soul patch porn-star pube fungus growing. And

She is overbite perfection.

I would discuss Ayn Rand with easily swayed 15 year olds for an hour over tea if it meant I could wash her used and sweaty rayon shirt with a toothbrush.

She is a perfect ripe peach. Two of them. But can she carry his mediocre averageosity douchitude across the finish line?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Circus Clown

There comes a time in every ‘Bag Hunter’s life when he’s forced to stare down the muzzle of an enriched uber-wank.

That moment is now.

‘Bag Hand Gesture #30, the douche-face, and two rather gnaw-worthy cuties elevate this pic as a worthy finalist.

The pic is ruined only by one of the bit players from My Name is Earl wandering into the photo and blocking the mass appreciation of firm jello butt greatness.

But it is still all good, and by good I mean hottie/douchey. A slice of scroted out Americana at its worst.

God damn, now that’s a Weekly. The Creeper, The Blister and The Circus Clown. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Nicole. Just because he was better looking, taller, thinner, had more teeth, bathed more frequently, had things like a “job” and “integrity” and “stamina.” Other than that, what did he have over me?

Oh right. He wasn’t caught locked in your closet fondling your high heels with crisco at two in the morning.

Wait, am I still typing all of this? ahem

Vote for your winner, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 14 + 13 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)