Wednesday, June 27, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Meet Joe Douche


In tough and at times acrimonious voting this week, Joe Douche ended up taking the prize by virtue of a spiked follicle over the dancing clubbaggery of Mega Man. Sun Douche came in a distant third, with most people rejecting the JoeyPorsche wannabe from failing to live up to the Porsche Experience. feh23 breaks down why Joe Douche takes this week’s crown:

Two words, Joe Douche. He obviously stinks of balls, and is doing that creepy, uber macho “I’m not really strangling you…but I am” neck grab thing. Plus a ‘bag hand gensture?! And giantass wrist bling? Who could ask for more?!!! It’s like he got his PhD in Scientific Doucherry.

Well said, feh. That about sums up any classic ‘bag. Once again, the notion of DJ/club performativity renders true ‘Bag status suspect in the minds of many ‘bag slayers. Otto Graf von Douchemark explain why Mega Man can’t ascend to the upper tier of douchosity:

Mega is just trying too hard. He is lacking that complete ignorance of his own douchiness. He is half-aware that he looks like an idiot. Bags must not reflect on themselves! the intention behind their appearance has to be genuine, they have to be completely unaware of their douchiness.

Very true, OGvD. True douchebaggery must contain a level of clueless lack of self awareness. However Mega Man found some love, and by love I mean slamming my sack with a metal wrench. douchistani sums up the power of late 80s NES Arcade Superheroes:

Is there even a doubt about it? I guess David Carradine-bag and Joey Porsche did what they could, but Mega Man takes the cake. Did he have Wolverine do his ultra douche beard for him? Or did Gillette just introduce Mach Douche and I missed out on the big release party?

Heh, “Mach Douche”. Nicely done, douchistani. Yet Joe Douche’s powerful dual headlock + ‘bag hand gesture, as well as the double hottie combo, was too much to overcome. As turdsandwich sums up the choice, he casts in for not meeting Joe Douche:

I’m going to go out on a limb here and vote for Joe Douche. While Mega Man and SunDouche are both rediculously Choady and oozing with all that is douchey, J.D. is the only of of the three that I think I would push into a wood chipper. I think Mega Man could be shut down with a combo barrage of verbal abuse and laughing and SunDouche has the deer in the headlights look that tells you that nobody is really home upstairs. J.D. on the other hand is puking douche smuggness that makes me want to punch babies.

Now now, punching babies level douchebaggery is a rare level indeed. While JoeDouche transcends, I’m not sure he takes us to Ab Lobster levels. walker, texas douchebag also lays the smackdown on Joe D:

Shiney greaseface, Trump-trumping contemporary comb-over, learing doucheface, man-blouse, dual clutch chicka stranglehold, radioactive spray-on tan-glow and horizontal “V” hand sign more than qualifies him for a special kind of douchery. Add in the over-the-hill factor, and there really is no contest.

Or, as graham campbell eloquently and succinctly summarizes:

Joe Douche. I loathe both other gentlemen, but only the photo of Joe wants me to go back in time an undetermined amount of years and punch Mamma Joe Douche in the babymaker.

Well said, G.C. Very well said.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog barking with a juicy bone. Joe Douche is HCwDB of the Week Winner.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 11 + 13 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)