Monday, June 4, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

Like a fine wine, a gourmet meal or a whiff of pungent Axe Bodyspray mixed with Old Spice, this week’s HCwDB of the contest features three classic hottie/douchey combos. No singular phenomenon like the Prompa. Just commingling wrongness that makes you want to jump into a spinning airplane propeller to make the throbbing pain of a culture gone horribly horribly wrong finally stop.

But alas, I ramble. For I am merely your guide on this dark journey into the heart of hot-scrote rotations that is the HCwDB experience. So I will shut my hungover yap, and turn it over to you, the reader, for a Roman verdict on these three pics. Thumbs up, thumbs down, or a simultaneous “Westside” and “Shocker.” You make the call.

On that note, and by note I mean setting all of their eyebrows on fire, punching them in the balls and slobbering on their hottie’s knees, I give you the nominees.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Friday Night Blights

I don’t think I fully appreciated the genius of the hottie/douchey wrongness of Friday Night Blights the first time around.

The tri-flavor choad tastes vaguely of week old chicken. And the Jennifer Love Hewitt hottie will always find time on my basic cable package.

I have no idea what that means. And yet it seems to make sense.

Shaved ridges in the head: +2 Douchebaggery on the MagicBags the Gathering trading card.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Balcony Bag

One of the factors in determining the aesthetic value of a HCwDB pic is the unmeasurable factor: The gut punch. What Roland Barthes describes as the punctum.

This factor, what I like to term punctum spew, can not be quantified scientifically, or measured using any systemic analysis. It resides purely in the psychoanalytic. The punctum can be understood as defined by the unique, each person’s individual reaction to a pic’s affect.

Keeping this in mind, Balcony Bag has a punctum affect that, at least for me, rises above the sum of its parts. And by sum of its parts, I mean the rage of low riding football pants on a pungent hand gesturing douchebag.

Her supple skin sends pygmy tribes on fishing expeditions. It is lunchable munchable perfection. I would punctum it, Kobe style.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: ChandlerBag and The Bumper

ChandlerBag certainly has all the measurable factors of a rage inducing smug forehead greased scrotebag with a fantastic hottie by his side. But is he ‘Bag, or simply clown? Or both?

The shirt, the bling, and did I mention the forehead grease, all contribute to a pretty spew worthy pic. But is the punctum’s affect as strong? I’m not sure.

But then there’s the hottie factor. We must never forget that every great HCwDB pic must have both sides of the equation, entwined in a state of oppositional balance. Her fantastic bumper brings joy to the poor and peace to third world nations. The Bumper deserves an award all by itself. And by award, I mean me, staring at it, framed and hung over my mantle.

So them’s the three.

By Wednesday morning, let there be only one. Weigh, judge, discuss and decide. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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