Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Ask DB1


Reader Ryan writes in:

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We know of all the signs that show us the various stages of a douche bag. We know about the tight shirts, blank stare, orange skin, hand gestures, puckered lips, a new jersey drivers license, etc…

But what about the stage 4 bleeth? What must we look for to know that we are dealing with a woman that is infected with this terrible grieco virus?
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Excellent question, Ryan. By focusing on the carriers of the Douche Virus running roughshod through our culture like Pamplonian bulls, we have perhaps neglected isolating the key factors of the stage-4 Bleethed out Hottie. While it is hard to precisely isolate exactly when a Hottie transitions from a still redeemable stage-1 or stage-2 early warning sign Bleeth into a stage-3 or stage-4, there are a few key guidelines to look for:

1. Douchebaguette Hand Gestures
2. Female Mandanas
3. Female douche-face
4. Overly skanky tattooage
5. Ridiculous sunglasses
6. A mysterious “twinning” affect between Hott and ‘bag counterpart

While exact classification cannot take place except on a case by case basis, these guidelines can help during the examination. And by examination I mean boobie examination. And by boobie examination, I mean staring longingly at those marshmallow pillows while picturing making a human S’more.

That being said, stage-4 Bleethage, while tragic, does not mean one does not still desire to explore the cleavite with the primal fascination of a monkey playing with play-doh. Such base instincts remain at all times, even as they face cognitive dissonance when combined with the intellectual awareness of unrecoverable Bleethage.

This state of simultaneous desire and revulsion towards the presence of a stage-4 Bleeth Hottie is referred to as paradouching. One must embrace such conflicting desires as part of the meditative path towards the spiritual understanding of The ‘Bag Within.

# posted by douchebag1

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