Monday, July 9, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

Last week’s holiday shortened selection of ‘bags was a light sampler of choadmunchery. A finger food selection of scrotundae. An appetizers only cross section of aardvark yuke. And since The STDs had their shot in the previous week’s Finals, there will be no return finals for their freakish wrongness. One chance only. Instead I’m going with three new slices of ennui as your choices.

The DB1 is well rested after his jaunt through the rainy New England countryside. He returns refreshed and renewed, determined as ever to refer to himself in the third person while hunting ‘bags and the hotties who designate to commingle near them.

And while no New England hotties were saved from the scrote during my jaunt through Red Sox Nation, the land of Paul Revere and Ric Ocasek offered good times. So, without further ado, I dedicate the weekly to Sam Adams beer, and let the mocking/judging/lusting begin anew:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Lockjaw
PIC DELETED

He’s no Peaches.

We know that.

But Lockjaw has a power of overwhelming clueless douchitude that sneaks up and then smacks you in the face like a pissed off Tommy Hilfiger. He has what I like to call surreptitious scrote. Annoying at first. Clearly, he’s no Douche Master, like the overpowering point/stare transcendence of the Peach Pit. And then it happens. His overpowering douchitude is as undeniable as his waxed chest/bling. His cross-section of hotties only furthers the overwhelming stench of uber-douche. It is odorific.

Hottie may have a large proboscis but I would still drink it down with oreo cookies and a nice riesling. While there were many Lockjaw pics to choose from, this first one was douchey/hottie enough on its own to make the Finalist grade. She is girl next door sexy. I would fondle her dark tresses until she called the fire department on my alcoholic ass.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Finger

The Finger grows on you. Like the flesh eating virus on Jim Henson. It’s that fungal disease sprouting from his douchey inflated melon that does it.

At first this pic didn’t truly cause the stomach churning rage mixed with sexual lust that is the hallmark of any choice HCwDB pic. But then it punched me in the gut. And knocked me in the face. I wanted to shave that ‘fro with a rusty pliers. I wanted to stick my tongue down Bunny’s sexy ears like the alien slug in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn.

Yeah, I’m down to making Star Trek references. That’s what a loop Bunny has knocked me through. A Playmate infected by the Grieco Virus is a moment of poetic tragedy. It requires due attention. And so due attention shall be paid. Here in the finals.

Here’s back atcha, Finger. Lick my Razr, you douched out asswank. Yeah, I’m pissed. Okay, moving on before I start drinking at 7am on a Monday.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: King Douchuous

Granted it’s premature to label anyone a King of Douchitude, but for the scrote who wears the crown of spiked hair, it’s the only label that sticks. For King Scrotebaguous, the scrum of some of the hottest everglade melting ice queens to grace the site in recent weeks is enough to elevate this pic into the Finals simply on the power of the Hott. Toss in those jeans, that bling and that douche-face, and we have a worthy contender indeed.

Rarely does a weekend pic make the finals. But in the case of King D, the power of the absurd level of hotness mixed in with bizarre facial pubes and the spikiest hair explosion since Red Cactus, earns him a well deserved place in the Finals.

I would drop leopard print hottie and the most divine bumper since The Bumper herself into a blender, add frozen yogurt, bananas, cranberry juice and a shot of vitabek, and make Boobie Smoothies.

So them’s your choices. Lockjaw is the early favorite, but The King and The Finger are both worthy challengers.

I put it to you, Greg. Which of these three is worthy as a Weekly winner? Which combines that perfect mix of overpowering poo-smell with the angelic hotness of a Hottie (or four) that needs saving?

It’s up to you. Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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