Monday, July 23, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

It’s a diverse sampling of the choad/hott in this week’s Weekly douche-off. It was tougher than usual to cull down last week’s submissions to a final three, but I think I’ve fixated on the right grouping. And by fixated I mean rub up against the coffee table when contemplating the hotties while decrying Godlessness when contemplating the wankdouche.

The DB1 had a lovely weekend involving sitting on my carpet, sipping Night Train from my “World’s Greatest Douchebag” mug, and watching my bootleg VHS copies of “Cop Rock,” the greatest show of the 1990s.

But you don’t want to hear about my exciting party weekend of “Cop Rock” videos. You want the finalists. So without further adouche, here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Fly


The Fly is a perfect sampling of next-generation douchebaggery. Note the mutating faux-hawk, the buglike sunglasses and, of course, the tonguebaguousness.

Leering Jewel has that lusty, trampy look that makes the DB1 think impure thoughts about Nuns.

Okay fine, I’ve admitted it.

I have a Catholic Nun fetish. I attribute it to the lack of visual stimulii. Underneath the habit? Who knows what sexiness awaits. I’m tantalized by repressed sexuality and strict formality. It’s S&M by way of cloth robes and large hats. Love it.

But anyways, back to The Fly.

Rage factor? Check. Side boob? Check. Incomprehensible shirt statement? Checkmake.

Douchebaggery, thine eyes behold.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Lei Hotties

A-lo-hot, oy. A-lo-hot, oy.

Hard to argue with this intoxicating blend of three lovely perfect tequila shots and one ginormous toolbag.

These girls are in college, despite the appearance of youngness, so leering is permitted.

Choading up clouds of dust like a white Rick James is Trucker Douche. Exposed pubes? Uberdouche. It takes a lot to impress me these days, but that look definitely does. And by impress, I mean piss off.

As to the Hott, the exposed bellies are enough to set off fits of apoplexy like a flashing Pokemon cartoon.

Toned leopard on the left has he cutest tongue since Sweet Polly Purebread.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Color Him Bagg

PIC DELETED

This is one of those pics that grew on me like an alien fungus grew on Steven King in Creepshow.

At first I wasn’t sure the hottie was hot enough. But although the angle isn’t fair, I think she’s cute enough to qualify.

And he is beyond annoying. Douche-face + cap/mandana is a dangerous combo.

The brick background evokes basement coffee shop poetry readings in the mid 1950s. But instead of Ginsberg, Kerouac and Corso we get Humpty Douchey and his blond sidekick with the munchable arms.

Definite contender for the Weekly on the rage factor alone. And the hand with the purse adds a nice narrative to the picture. Who is the purse holder? Why is he/she there?

Only the Shadow knows.

So them’s your finalists. Bagg, The Lei Hotties with Puberchoad, and The Fly. Special shout-out to the genius self-submission from Douche Royale. I couldn’t bring myself to give him a nom for a Weekly since he did self submit, and that kind of kills the fun of true ‘bag hunting.

What say you? Pick a winner and vote in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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