Wednesday, July 25, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Lei Hotties and the Puberchoad


Wasn’t “Lei Hotties and the Puberchoad” one of those early morning, stilted, barely animated 1980s Hanna-Barbera cartoons? If not, it should’ve been. I used to love those things. The 4 frames per second animation. The barely animated lip-synching involving two alternating frames. Good times.

It was a dominant victory for the Lei Hotties, taking down The Fly and the now departed Color Him ‘Bagg with total destruction. But that’s what happens when three of the uber-hotts pose with a dude low riding his underwear enough to reveal the biological evolutionary product designed to keep his genitals warm.

‘bag-hater makes the case for Puberchoad’s dominant victory:

Which leads us to our winner, “Puber-choad.” You really piss me off. You’ve never worked out a day in your life, yet proudly display your waxed chest, “stylish” white underwear, exposed pubes, and try the tough guy look. You are as tough as a middle-aged bar-fly being hit on by an 18 year-old coed. The hottie/douche factor here is ridiculous. 1,200 virgins in a parallel universe were sacrificed to counter the atrocity done by this combo of ‘bag-gesturing gooberdouches molesting my future roommates. I may have to start using a 3-t’d hottt for these vixens.

Well said B.H. Or, as Bdub puts it:

Lei Hotties

6 young succulent boobies plus 1 lazy eye divided by bag pubes = RAGE

Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed.

But the late and unlamented ‘Bagg also generated passionate and voracious defenders, as with first time voter pocket douches:

But my God THAT HAT. Rhinestone-rocking, lip-pursing, bulbous-nosed, faux-distracted-look-giving choad gets my scrote. I mean, vote. The fact that such an item can be worn unironically, or even exists…sweet Jesus. THAT HAT must be acquired and thrown into the depths of Mordor. As it is written: One douche to rule them all, one choad to bind them, one scrote to bring them all and on the dancefloor grind them.

Nice verbal smackdown, P.D., and welcome to the site. The hat was pretty tremendous, and will be missed. The everpresent anonymous offers the all important female perspective while casting in for ‘Bagg:

I couldn’t decide between Lei Douch and Color Me Bagg. What gives the edge- the pubes, or the mandana/bedazzled hat combo? I have decided to use my point of view as a female. Which one of these guys would I run furthest from if they approached me in a bar– its gotta be Color Me Badd. After I spit my drink out lauging at him.

But then there was The Fly. douche wellington throws down the gauntlet for The Fly’s scrotey ways:

I has to be the Fly, all the way. While the Lei Hotties picture induces the most rage, The Fly stays truest (is that a word?) to the Douche modus vivendi. The bug glasses, ridiculous “I’m a Eurobag in training T-shirt”, ‘bag headbutt, and douche tongue, the Fly demonstrates his unflinching commitment to douchosity. You better believe that if her hand wasn’t around his neck, that collar would be popped. He also gets bonus points for trying to bring back a style that Bono – even in all his self-absorbed metrocity – abandoned like what, ten years ago?

Interesting how Bono keeps cropping up as a standard bearer for metro-douche. I always liked Bono but maybe we’ll need to consider his influence on modern douchebaggery as an important one.

But, in the end, three barely legals and a puberchoad were too much to overcome. peter makes the case for the triumphant and victorious Lei Hotties and the Puberchoad:

Lei Hotties. As others have said, it’s the one that pisses me off the most. Between their soft-lens (airbrush?) sweetness that stirs fires in my loins, contrasted with the slackjawed yokel with his gumpy expression and the peek of pubes (why in the blue hell?!?)….I just want to reach through the photo, strangle him, and then have my way with all three Hott. And by have my way I mean sex them up.

Well said, Peter. Another brilliant comments thread parsing three worthy, and quite different, hottie/douchey combos. Although it is sad to lose ‘Bagg to the ether, those are the casualties we take on the road to douche-victory.

So raise the Lei flower necklaces to the Tikki Hut and kick puberchoad in his freshly minted nether regions. They’s this week’s Winner. Punch them a ticket for the monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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