Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Buble Lips No More

PIC DELETED

Britney Hottie writes in:

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subject: Buble Lips

That’s right, thats me in the picture. I’m not sure where this picture originated from
but please remove from your site immediately. If not taken down within 24 hours of this
email I will proceed to sue you and all affilates associated with this site for defimation of character. Please handle this matter accordingly or I will.
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It’s my policy never to defime anyone, so the pic has been removed.

Instead, here’s a pic of Lollipop Leather having scored with the Brown Hotties.

EDIT: And in an irony, one of the Lollipop Leather cuties wrote in to have her pic taken down as well. Sheesh.

The Boatwreck

Well, this travesty wrapped in an atrocity wrapped in a delcious taffy glaze doesn’t come close to the head scratching surreality of The Trainwreck. But I am pleased to see the Ubiquitous Red Cup drop by and say hi.

As to the rest… yech.

Ladies, this is what it looks like when former hotties reach a terminal state of Bleeth. They are unredeemable. Not even my alter-ego, The DeBleether, can swoop in and save these two. Checking out the Pudgescroad they cohabitate with, it’s easy to see why.

'Bag / Not a 'Bag

Not sure if the creepy staring love child of Chris Kattan and the hot poker wielding Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark is ‘bag or not.

But if there’s one thing I know for certain, beyond all epistemological, ontological and existential challenge, it is this:

Large boobies make the happy pants get happy.

Gaybag / Not a Gaybag

I know what you’re thinking. GayBag. And as you know, we’ve ruled previously that the essence of performative douchosity must come from a place of pursuit of the female. Therefore GayBags have been excluded from the douche oeuvre, the scrote catalog if you will.

This is not to say ambiguously Asian GayBags can’t also be douchebags. Only that I’ll be damned if I can pick a gay douchebag out of a lineup of gay non-Douchebags. Heck, they all look gay to me, I wouldn’t even know where to begin to define the douche parameters. I can spot a straight douche a mile away. But the gay douches? I haven’t the faintest clue. And since America still hasn’t figured out that Lindsey Graham is gay, clearly we have societal gaydar issues. So who am I to peg this dickie wearing turd as a GayBag or not.

So while he may be a GayBag, I’m going with the pic anyways. And Yellow Dress makes me want to Rescue Dawn with a side order of sticky rice.

Dammit, I hate when I go there with the Asian posts. “Sticky rice”? Terrible. But what are ya gonna do. It’s Monday and the DB1 is already pounding the HoHos and ‘Train. So forgive my sorry ass.

Douche Royale

Not to distract from the Weekly, but I had to post this reader mail. Douche Royale writes in:

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hullo-

😉
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I can’t tell if this guy’s my new hero or a sign of the impending douchepocalypse.

HCwDB of the Week

This week’s boobie/douchey combos bring up certain important moral and philosophical questions as we continue down our path of exploration of the dark cultural douchitude that rots our collective wills.

In what moral universe do pumped up uber-scrotebags fondle the perfect backsides of a well formed hottie? Do our understandings of truth and morality take place outside of subjectivity? Or do we redefine those terms in the presence of a luscious pair of firm and succulent ta-tas?

This question is what I like to call “Boobsistentialism.” Do we create our notions of morality and societal structure purely in the interests of attracting the perky boobie? Or does the DB1 need to shut his yap and get on to the finalists?

On that note, I’ll shut my yap and get on to the finalists.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Trainwreck

This tremendous digital capture of hottie/douchey wrongness in motion is a veritable thesis paper of douchebaggery.

With pumped up chest, tats, ginormous mandana, douche-face, douche everything, and ass crack jeans, The Trainwrecker himself is on the fast track to ‘Bag Legend.

Hotiticia is adorable, her pefect bod and soft snuggle pink pants make me want to chant humble prayers to Coke bottles with the Bushmen of the Kalahari.

Or Orange Gatorade bottles, as the case may be.

I still haven’t processed this Rorschach test of douchebagger. But the fact it even features a ubiguitous Grey Goose bottle suggests philosophers and archeologists will study this douchezetta stone for decades.

Oh yeah.

And pink toesies I would love like no one was watching.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Bagfoot

Bagfoot touches the place of primativity every male goes to when hunting for female companionship in between meals.

He is id-douche.

That section of the frontal lobe that screams “must mount hottie” when you’re on the subway pretending to read the Wall Street Journal.

His pumped up gaze and plucked eyebrows are overwhelmingly douchuous and high in basic rage content. He may lack the markers of a more refined douche, but the way he grips that thigh is enough to make Gandhi run out of bubble gum.

Factor in the shapely army hottie he’s mollesting, his dog tags, and a wonderfully firm glimpse of wonder-bread bottom, and this pic crushes the soul in every way a transcendant HCwDB pic should.

But what’s with the plaid shorts, Bagfoot? Is that part of your alter-identity? Like The Hulk’s purple pants?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Johnny Blaze

I debated whether or not to hold Johnny Blaze out of the competition, as once I link directly to a MySpace page that epic in its douchosity, it’s almost unfair.

But Johnny Blaze isn’t Joey Porsche, and never the twain shall meet.

So what the heck. He’s up against tough competition, so lets see how far Armani + grease can take one of the classic next gen Douche Transformers like the Blaze.

Oh, and his hottie is all sorts of U. Mass Amherest type English Major goodness. I would take her dancing at Avalon, then make out behind Fenway Park while he friends shouted at her “Come onnnn!! We gotta go!!” Then she’d slip me a wrong number, and I’d stumble off to pee on the Green Monster.

So them’s the three. Three for one. All for none. And by none I mean depressing signs of America’s cultural douchewreck.

Honorable mention goes out to Gummy and the creepy-ass Buble Lips, who both just missed the cut.

Now I turn it over to you, the reader.

Which of the three contains all the elements of a superior HCwDB pic? Remember to consider the following before you vote. Look within. Which pic causes rage, consternation, indigestion, arousal, mimesis, boobies and the desire to smack the ‘bag in the face with a rake?

Zen yourself. Find which one of these three pics rises to the bar. And by bar I mean douche-bar. And record your vote in the comments thread.

L.A.xitives

I love the smell of Los Angeles in the morning. It smells like… douchebaggery.

Hustled

May your mandana serve as a flotation device in case of crash.

Just say no to bling tatted Hustler douche-faces. Just say yes to shiny cheeked bunny.

Blazy Shade of Winter

The hairline says sexy sharp.

The chin says don’t be hatin’, be ready for luv.

The cutie’s wristband offers warning she does not heed.

It is Saturday. And The Blaze is ready.

"Net Authority" Bags

Well this is a new one. I’ve been judged, juried and verdicted to have officially “offended” the net. Who knew?

Who are these self proclaimed “authorities” of the internet? Is this some clever parody site of one of those rural stick-up-the-ass parents organizations made up of sexually frustrated prunes taking it out on the rest of us? I honestly can’t tell, but it definitely reads like parody.

HCwDB is a “net offender.”
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Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Added: 06/09/2007 – 13:03:13

This website has been investigated by Net Authority, and has been found to be in violation of the Internet Acceptable Use Policy by posting the following kinds of content:

• Pornographic material
• Hateful material
• Blasphemy
• Offensive political material
• Bestiality and/or interracial relationships

Be cautioned! This website contains strongly offensive material and is not suitable for young children. Click the link below at your own risk:

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

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“Bestiality and/or interracial relationships”? Are you kidding me?

The fact they put my link up makes me pretty convinced it’s a subtle parody of uber-religious nutjobbery on the web. Also, they provide buttons for sites to announce they’re a “Net Authority Violator,” which has gotta be part of some viral scheme. If this is parody, it’s very nicely subtle. If it’s not, yikes.