Wednesday, August 1, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: Trainwreck


This is more a coronation than a victory lap for The Trainwreck. Just a totally dominant performance from one of the most insanely surreal combos of sugarplum hotness and ridiculous douchebaggery we’ve ever featured on the site. And by dominant, I mean ass crack.

Snuggles gets hotter every time I look at her. Even her expression is adorable. I would filter her through tea leaves and enjoy with a touch of honey. I would reenact the Bataan Death March in New Zealand with stuffed pandas if I could sign her peace treaties.

And Trainwreck himself sports so many ‘bag signifiers he’s like a George Seurat painting. If the dots of paint were douchebaggery dots.

As dita von douche sums it up:

he makes me want to convert to Catholicism so that I can enter a convent, take a vow of celibacy, and never venture into the outside world where I can come into contact with his douchiness.

Well said, Dita. The Hate Crime breaks down the four finalists and rolls Trainwreckery for the win:

Joe Douche is disqualified for his quasi-celebrity status on E!.

King Douchous loses for jumping the gun and declaring himself king, ala Sean Connery in “The Man Who Would Be King.” And we know how that ended for him.

As much as I loathe Puberchoad, he stands as much of a chance against Trainwreck as a white guy against 1986-era Tyson.

Trainwreck is rolling through to the year-end competition, and Vegas has him at 5-1 to win it all.

Nice overview, THC. And as we’ve learned by now, the power of the DB rises directly in relationship to his scroteyness in the presence of the hottie. This inter-relationship is key to the experience of any award winning HCwDB pic. Or, as anonymous sums it up:

This guy is a repeate offender of the ‘Doggie-bag’; that very same all encompassing, revolting, retch-inducing position that he has come to be known by. Honestly, the doggie-bag makes the bag-headbutt/ bag hand gesture combo look like an enlightened act of non-douchitude in comparison. So the fact that he was pictured preforming the dreaded doggie-bag move twice is akin to Wilt Chamberlin putting up 100 points on 2 seperate occasions.

The thought of little snuggles hotties or xtina-aguilera-circa-2003-boat-hotties being manhandled by this doggie-douche makes me want to hang him with a noose made of his own mandanas.

Trainwreck in a bagslide

A bagslide indeed. I almost wonder what would’ve happened if Trainwreck had gone up against Peaches doucho-a-doucho. Maybe next week we’ll do a one off and put the two up in a ‘Baggle Royale cage match with the ethereal and ambiguous Douche Lee as our referee.

Regardless, lets raise the wristdana and the Doggie ‘Bag maneuver to the rafters, for Trainwreck has proven his worth and emerged victorious. Or as Tom Choad puts it:

Trainwreck and Snuggles. No contest, sir. They’re all loathsome (especially Joe Douche) but Trainwreck is an uberchoad.

He makes me want to punch him, and I’m a Buddhist.

Well said, Tommy C. Well said indeed.

# posted by douchebag1

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