Monday, August 13, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Crabs and Armpits Edition

After a lovely weekend of debauchery, hottie chasing and watching with bemusement at the many L.A. douchebags practicing their game, I found myself ruminating on this week’s selection of hottie/scrotey wrongness. In so doing, I realized I neglected a truly superior pic in last week’s HCwDB of the Week that deserves a fighting chance to ascend to a higher plateau of mockedness. So I’ve included that saltwater taffy generated choad in the mix.

So before we get to the Three, lets take a moment. Breathe in. Breathe out. Gaze at the following three images of sweet fawn and arthritic toad. Which of the three contains just the right mix of anger and arousal, humor and rage, boobies and douchebag?

Then and only then, can one of three rise to the top and be called “Champeen.”

I know what you’re thinking. Shut yer yap, DB1, and get on with it. And so I shall, young spice merchant. And so I shall. The douchinees are:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Gillette Mach Douche

When did our society first steer its ship into the rocky cliffs of cultural douchebaggery?

I’d say a good guideline was when men started getting barbed wire tats and shaving their armpits. Right there, we have a problem. A major problem.

I mean really. Take a look at this dude. As hard as it is, keep looking. Creepy cheekboned Tommy Lee JonesBag here makes me all sorts of vomitorious with his shiny forehead, uberdouche muscle-t, and well, douche everything.

And then there’s Lovely Fawn.

Lovely Fawn is the antithesis of the rank spew.

Lovely Fawn cooks the DB1 scrambled eggs and brings him the funnies to read after a night spent rubbing his thighs with goat yogurt and doing the watusi on his back.

I can’t see how I missed this pic in last week’s Weekly spew-off. This is a classic HCwDB pic. It brings up the bile. It features a girl-next-door West Hamptons debutante hott. And, like any special ‘bag, he introduces us to new facets of douchebaggery with the underarm shave + proud reveal ‘bag move. Yech.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Lip Tatter


Rare are the purely headshot pics able to make it into the Finals. Usually you need at least some glimpse of side-boob, legs or curvy round ass cheek that I would lead a small but cunning group of ninja warriors into to fight for the survival of the western world.

But Lip Tatter has it all.

The 10 Degree Hat Tilt.

The Chin Pubes.

The Douche Face you want to pelt with garbage then hook off-stage.

And, of course, one of the hottest hotties ever to grace the DB1’s perverted fantasies involving latex, pretzels and a small orphan child named Seamus. Then factor in that she’s reaching over and revealing his lip tatt. Reaching over. And revealing his lip tatt. Is it a real tat? Does it matter?

Real or not, douche affect remains polluting our culture with toxic spew like a rusty Edsel without a muffler. And if you think that’s a lame metaphor, I’ve got plenty where those came from. I can simile the homile like an erudite Steven Hawking on red bull.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Crustacean

If you like your hotties multiple, archetypal and anorexic in a good way, then the Crustacean is for you.

This asswad has appeared on the site before more than a few times. His Miami beach douched out ridiculousness has shown up in more variations than Alec Guinness in “Kind Hearts and Coronets.”

Obscure reference? Perhaps. But I would simply point you to striped boobies hott on the right. They are luscious like firm ripe nectarines.

Oh. And she’s pointing. To. His. Abs.

I wonder if the hott quotient is so high in this pic that it almost obscures the rank smell of douchosity coming from Ab Crustacean. Five young females I would marry, have children with, then abandon at a truck stop in rural Illinois, are almost enough to cover his Puma Douche completely.

Almost. But not quite.

So them’s your three. Three enter. Only one pic survives.

Remember, before you vote, it is the combo of douche + hotness. Spew and innocence. Yin and Yang. Beef and broccoli.

What say you? Vote, as always, in the comments thread. Tell me why your pic deserves to call itself “HCwDB of the Week.”

# posted by douchebag1

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