Wednesday, August 15, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: The Crustacean


An absolutely superb round of analysis of all three finalists in this week’s comments thread. A virtual bottle of L.A. Looks hair gel goes out to everyone who chimed in with hottie/scrotey deconstruction.

This was one of the hardest weeks we’ve ever featured, as all three slices of the boobs and the choad were toxic spew and worthy of some form of victory, and by victory I mean all of us losing by creating an understanding that these simulacrums actually took place.

But the power of the Crustacean’s douchery was too much to overcome, even by an armpit shaving innovative douche like GMD.

bagologist deconstructs the latest sea creature to offer up his abs as proof of early dinosaur development:

Definitely the crustacean. It takes a full hand to count the unfathomably hot beauties on your fingers.

Fingers which then curl into a fist and sock this sneering scumburger in the solarplexus for giving you the unpleasant mental image of him twiddling in his navel with his nosehair trimmer. The punch glances off his greasy abs and you stumble off balance and fall on top of center-closet librarian-sex-goddess, and your rage melts away into bliss.

Beautifully stated, bagologist. scroteface killah concurs that the power of the multiple choice hott surrounding Crustacean was too much to overlook:

Crustacean is a journeyman bag who’s been working at his douchey craft for years and seems to have somehow put it all together to a transcendent degree. (He’s like Douche Rocky working the douche bag.) The main thing to me is the commitment he shows to his work. He has no other job than being a douche. It’s his calling and his art.

Oh, and though Fawn makes me weep slow hot tears of remorse that I’m apparently too hairy in my pits for her, there’s something for everyone in that Whitman’s Sampler of tail arrayed around the Crustacean.

While Lip Tat came in a distant third, the perfect beauty of his dazed and confused doe was enough to gather some fans. LoRok makes he case for the uber-hott:

Hot w/ Tot is who I vote for. All other items on the site just sort of disappear, I cannot even notice any douchery. She just makes the world ok. And since I know that pic isn’t featuring me, it fills me with rage. So, hot/rage in it’s purest form.

Well said, LoRok. Although Crustacean crawled over the competition with his creepy sea creature abs, Gillette Mach Douche had his many proponents. George W. Douche keys in on the wrongness of the armpit shaving metrodouchual:

Under International Douche Law, the highest crime is that of shaving one’s armpits and then flaunting them for all to see.

Thus, the International Criminal Tribunal for Crimes by Douche Bags rules that Gilette Mach shall be sentenced to two years of forced consumption of propecia and rogaine.

Exactly, President Douche. Exactly. Bagglio Ordonez also keys in on what separates GMD from the usual scrote:

In the end this battle comes down to inovation. While the Crustacean is unarguably a vomit inducing mess of scrote we’ve really seen it all before. Gilette Mach-Douche however, is on the fore-front of scrote with his ground breaking shaved-pit-showoff-bag-move.

1 vote GMD – he’s the next in the evolution of the Grieco virus.

Yes he is, Bagglio. But when you’ve got five uber-hotts and you’re showing off creepy abs, nothing can overcome the power of the scrote. As Sir Scrotsley excellently summarizes:

Bronzed Lioness touching Crustacean’s abs has a figure that could give a eunuch a hard-on. I don’t know how, but I’m sure it could happen. I would spend about thirty seconds giving her a shiatsu massage wearing Zubaz pants while whispering sweet nothings into her ear before surrendering all control and humping her like a sex-starved rhesus monkey.

And let’s not forget the Crustacean himself. A true seafood surprise, with meticulously-ripped jeans, oversized Puma armband, ‘bag hand gesture #23, and a facial expression that aptly reveals what a profoundly vapid crotch-maggot he is. And is that a fauxhawk?

Yes. Yes it is a fauxhawk, Sir S.

And with that, we raise The Crustacean’s ab-revealing banner to the rafters and punch him in the face, then punch his ticket in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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