Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Memphis Choad Mystery

In weighing his vote in the Weekly, reader scrotebob douchepants writes in to ask:

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Did Mystery put on a seminar in Memphis recently??
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Great observation, S.D. Is Memphis Choad actually the one and the same, the ur-douche total wankscrote doucheface that is the star of VH1’s “The Pickup Artist”?

Rooster Wank II

From the hinterlands of Prussian-Austrian douchebaggery, we return back to the shores of America for a nice slice of Rooster Douche and Cheesecake Pie.

Is this Hall of Scrote member Rooster Wank? Possibly. Either way, he’s a festering canker sore.

Note to the ladies: pink lip gloss may be retro 80s, but it still makes the DB1’s happy pants do the happy pants dance, CGI penguin style.

Clap Your Hans

Where exactly are we here?

Dusseldorf Octoberfest fashion show?

Casting session for “Night of the Living Uberdead”?

The lost member of Nihilist late 1970s one hit wonder techno band, “Autobahn”?

All I know is Hans the Pasty Faced Douche-Face Boy features the rare combo collar pop + skullz belt buckle, which makes him a douchescrote even in Hamburg.

But swingin’ 60s Catherine Deneuve Hottie is groovy, baby. So maybe I can get through another 10 seconds of realizing that Zombie Austrian is clutching at Belle De Jour’s waist.

Then again, maybe not.

HCwDB of the Week

A nice smorgasboard bagel and lox sampling of quality douchebaggery and XX chromosome hotness on display in this week’s douche-off. There’s no clear runaway winner that I can see, so every vote will count. This is the last round before next week’s Special Edition HCwDB Monthly douche-off. So make it a good one, kids.

The DB1 had a quiet weekend, turning down a chance to go to a hottie pool party on Saturday to work on the book. So I’m in a cranky mood this morning.

Which makes it pretty much like every morning. Which means I’ll need to work some of this energy off by mocking the choad. But you’re thinking, “Shut it dancing monkey and get to the finalists.” And you’d be right. So without further adouche, and by a douche I mean Baio, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week #1: Memphis Choad

If there’s one thing this world needs more of, it’s creepy Emo Country Douchebags wearing eyeliner and shaving their chests.

A truly great HCwDB pic has a touch of surreal madness. A dash of Warholian cartoonishness and Dali inspired absurdity.

Like our most recent Hall of Scrote member, The Trainwreck, a superior pic should be head slappingly confusing. It should challenge conventional douche orthodoxy and make the head spin with confusion.

DaDa Douche, if you will.

As such, Memphis Choad is more than the sum of its parts. Like a Duchamp installation. Or bolt on boobies on a hot Asian hottie.

HCwDB of the Week #2: Firedouche

Speaking of dada art, The Firedoucher has a touch of Australian rugby football playing madness mixed up in a blender with bicycle wheel stuck in a stool. On a strict scale of douchebaggery, Firedouche may be off the charts.

And do not underestimate the power of Librarian sexiness. Slap a nerdy pair of eyeglasses on this wild eyed pointy nosed brunette hottie and the DB1 might fall in love.

Again.

Stupid love.

Because there’s no better indictator that I’ve found my soulmate, my spiritual dancing partner in the afterworld, than the primal urge for boobie suckling.

Firedouche and choke collar hott. Worthy contenders on both the rage and the fun bag cliff diving scales.

HCwDB of the Week #3: Lips

At first I wasn’t sure if the former Friday Night Drinks was a Finalist, but after a weekend of meditating at my local Buddhist shrine, I’ve concluded that yes, the Buddha hates him. And therefore he is choad-worthy.

At first Lips seems more like some average wankdouche who hit the lottery, lost his shirt, and decided to do the douche-dance. But the ridiculous streaked hair gives away larger ‘bag decrepitude, and the rosary is just uber-‘bag.

Plus, as more than a few commentators noted, that’s some serious quality side-boob on the blonde. It is perky white wine goodness.

So what say you? Which leggy/greasy combo invokes the perfect combo of idiotic performative male douchebaggery and luscious arousing female hotness?

And on an unrelated note, what’s the over/under on when “McLovin” becomes as annoying as Borat impressions? I’m betting September 2nd.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Hottie Reader Mail

Black Bikini Hottie with the perfect abs from yesterday’s “Where’s Waldouche” writes in:

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Hey, thanks for the props, Black Bikini Hottie. And stay away from them trash ‘bags.

“Bamalam” was a reference to one of the greatest songs I ever heard on K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70s, “Black Betty” by Ram Jam. Whoa oh, Black Betty.

I haven’t heard twin guitar solos that divine since I found my dad’s old Thin Lizzy tapes.

Old School Doggie 'Baggin'

Lest anyone doubt the pervasive and far ranging influence of The Trainwreck’s introduction of The Doggie ‘Bag, here it is going old person Ft. Lauderdale dollar coupons at the Bagel Shack stylin’.

Speaking of Early Birds, condos in Boca, and driving 10 mph in the fast lane, it’s nice to see Douchology spread to all corners of the economic and cultural spectrum.

You go with your bad self, Gramps.

Because, oy, that sciatica’s going to act up tomorrow.

Trainwreck for "Hall of Scrote"

There’s a motion on the floor to promote our most recent HCwDB of the Month winner, The Trainwreck, to the hallowed Hall of Scrote.

If you’re new to the site, or generally inebriated, you can find the hallowed H.o.S. in the left hand column if you scroll down.

I have very exacting and detailed standards for exactly which hottie/douchey pics are worthy of H.o.S. and which aren’t. Like if I’m out of Cocoa Puffs. And if my pee smells like asparagus.

But mainly the barrier is lo:

Does the ‘bag in question not just personify uber-douche, but actually influence and alter our comprehension of ‘bag aesthetics? And if in addition to that ur-douche douchebaggery, does his hottie rises to the “I’d skin a leopard to masticate her flip flops” level?

So what say you?

Does The Trainwreck rise to the half-assed standards and inconsistent guidelines that the DB1’s drunk ass requires?

This is a weighted vote, as the “Doucheywood 10” have primary say, but feel free to make an argument either way. Also any suggestions for other neglected hottie/douchey pics for the Hall? It doesn’t have to be a Weekly or a Monthly winner. Just a pic whose uniqueness lingers in our collective Jungian memory like a festering cold sore with an exhilarating shot of whiskey hot mixed in for relief.

Where's Waldouche: White Trash Edition

Buried deep within this gaggle of bikini hotties I’ve carefully placed a scruffy white trash uberchoadbag who thinks he’s a hip-hop Nubian prince.

Look closely. Carefully.

Skip over the douchey bug sunglasses on Perfect Abs Black Bikini Bamalam.

Can you find him?

Friday Night Drinks

It’s Friday, and I know what you’re thinking.

Waaa, DB1, I drank last night! I don’t want to go out drinking again!

Now you listen. And you listen good.

Look at this ubersquat piece of douchemeat.

He’s out there. Right now. Underwear peaking out. Jesus bling. Cuddling with the hott.

So what are you gonna do about it? Sit around bitching about it?

Well, yeah. I mean that’s what I do all day. But you can do something else.

You can get out there, drink yourself into a tizzy, and make fun of him to his face. Then hit on his hotties.

That’s right. Stop yer whining. Get out there. If your mocking only enters 1/10th of that primitive douche-brain of his, you’ll have accomplished something tonight. If you can save a hottie or two in the process? All the better, my friend. All the better.

The Douche Vodka II

An important clarification to this new and troubling ‘bag move: The Douche Vodka can also be attempted with champagne as well as by assorted douchebaguettes suffering from too much exposure to a neighboring ‘bag-star.

Nice lips, Frog lips.

Speaking of Frog Lips, The Holy Grieco, Hallowed be thy Douche, the Source-Douchebaggery for all of Scrote Modernity, made an appearance on dlisted.com yesterday. I can only warn you. Click on that link with caution.