Monday, September 24, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

To celebrate the joy that is the Dunkin’ Donut, I’m dedicating this week’s Weekly to the creamy honey glazed goodness of the greatest East Coast donut chain this side of Winchells.

Sure, the Krispy Kreme fans have their upscale high rent classy ‘nuts. But the true hero of the working man is the Dunkin’. With crackified coffee and surly high school counter employee, nothing quite says “New England Repressed WASP Dysfunction” quite like the Dunkin’ Donut experience.

And no, this isn’t a sponsored ad. I just loves me the D.D. Living in L.A. has its shortcomings sometimes.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The ‘Bag Islanders

Don’t understimate the sneaking gut-punch pain of this perfect curvy schooner and Miller Lite Fratchoad.

At first it seems a relatively benign hottie/douchey coupling.

She’s adorable. He’s annoying. But there’s nothing too nauseating about the combo.

At first.

But then you notice it. Like a chocolate frosted donut, its afterburps lingering in your esophagus. Long after your initial consumption.

As we’ve learned in the past six months, the sailboat is the new Long Island. The place where pudgy doughboys score hotties simply by their proximity to water and an expensive boat.

What puts the ‘Bag Island into the finals is the look on Grimace’s face. His winking nod to his buddy. Ignoring the hott in favor of the “We rock!” gesture.

And the two Island choads in the back engaging in intensive debate about the merits of “The Hills” versus “The Real World” don’t hurt neither.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Dante’s Assferno

There’s an utter genius to this satanic otherworldly swirl of unholy monstrosity.

It is arousing, sickening, and makes me hungry for a pop tart.

But there’s also the vaguely “porny” drawback.

As with any great HCwDB combo, what we look for is the amateur. The clueless choad unawares of the hott he doesn’t deserve. The authentic that renders the curvy/hairy combo so intoxicatingly infuriating you want to splice your eyes with an egg cutter.

But this boat pic appears “pro.” Can the zombified soulless trolls truly compete on the hottie/douchey rage factor?

To answer this question, I can only say ass.

Ass.

Lovely, lovely ass.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Warthog

There’s something ethereally and otherworldly captivating about this pic. Maybe it’s The Warthog’s bizarre shade of orange.

Maybe it’s the sweet Dutch Girl Hotties, one of whom has her finger in the dyke.

And yes, I just made the worst joke ever.

But putting aside the lameness of that absolutely embarrassing and shameful pun, there’s something incoherent and wrong about this pic that I couldn’t stop staring at.

The middle cutie is Reese Witherspoon club tramp sexy. And the Warthog’s “Kill” t-shirt and douche-face are enough to up anyone’s blood pressure before their morning coffee.

Is it enough to take out the Assferno? Or the ‘Bag Islanders?

That, my friends, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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