Monday, September 10, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

Yes kids, it’s time for the hottie/douchey Weekly. A time when we sit in collective judgment of the hotness of female boobalicious hottitude and the rank foul choad salads they cohabitate with.

Yes this is the moment when you, the reader, get to weigh in on which category of hott/douche most makes you want to slam your little toe in a walnut cracker and question whether God is just or a mean S.O.B.

So sure, I could ramble on about my drunken musings in the city of Angels. But you don’t want to hear my stories of HoHos and Night Train consumption. You want the finalists.

And here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Qwerty aka The Kitchen Kittens

This pic is like a retrograde 1950s patriarchal sex fantasy by way of a Mad Max beyond Thunderdome rewrite.

A Rooster choad trash ‘bag fondling the nethers of a perky faced female of firm assitude and healthy viable womb. While a second hottie does his dishes.

They sure are kooky in Omaha.

Four cheeks of health. One ‘fro of douche.

And some lovely faux-wood cabinets. On sale at The Home Depot on I-5 next to the Cracker Barrel.

Megods I would go diving for seashells like a Jamacian spice merchant beheath the flesh-coves off the Cape of Good Ass.

Then I would drink a bottle of Orange Gatorade.

And look to see if anyone drop their chicken and Grey Goose on the floor.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Gator


Here’s a classic case where the hottie isn’t overwhelmingly cute, but the sheer douche-force of the ‘bag is so powerful that it can carry the pic to the finals on its back like Jordan in 96.

The Gator is supreme grade-A douchebaggery. He leaks oil on the douche interstate like a broken down Chevy Douchibu.

When selecting an HCwDB of the Week, it’s important to also consider whether the pic fundamentally alters the way we create meaning in the simulacrum.

Clearly her oil fingerprints left on his surreal gaping “O-Neck” shirt qualify.

Heck, leather Wrath-of-Khan chest alone qualifies Gator for Finalist status.

The Gator also made a second appearance on the site and was subsequently featured as a “caption this” thread on DListed.com, which actually gave me a credit this time (although “HCWD” instead of “HCWDB” but hey, it’s an improvement).

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Douche Gossage

The only thing holding back Douche Gossage from throwing 95 mph douche-heat is the vaguely porny run-way category of the location of the pic.

But in terms of sheer adouchrements, D.G. is a runaway homerun hitting tour de force of douchebaggery.

Dig that 11 Degree Cap Tilt with simu Z-Axis shift. It’s like the hat’s on a BMW precision motor control 735i douche.

Then there’s the bling, the sunglasses, the douche-face, and the tremendous tri-vag facial pubes.

Hottie has fantastic shoulder blades that I’d serve on a bed of rice and with a small dab of mint jelly. And her eyes say, “I want you to suckle my toe-jam and talcum my bottom with baking soda, DB1.”

And hey, who am I to say no to talcuming a delicious bottom with baking soda?

So them’s your three and three becomes one.

So all you lurkers out there, time to get off the sidelines and cast a vote. Is it Qwerty? The Gossage? Or the Gator?

Which of these three pics most reviles the stomach with its noxious combo of hotness and utter choad? Which deserves Weekly victory and a ticket in next month’s Monthly?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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