Wednesday, September 19, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Velvet Jones


Despite a groundswell of cheer for the people’s princess, Ricky, Smmove Velvet Jones’s power of classic douche stench was far too much to overcome.

Velvet takes the weekly with ease.

Was it the bling? The Velvet? Or that heinous ‘stache? Or perhaps the other side of the equation? That smooth slice of strawberry goodness on his arm that makes you want to slam your head in a car door.

sir scrotesly makes the case:

Velvet has what may be the most dizzying array of ‘bag signifiers ever captured in one digital image.

Make the list: Purple velour shirt, top 2-3 buttons undone. Faux-platinum wrist bling. Faux-platinum dogtags. Billy Dee Williams ‘stache. Oversized “designer” sunglasses. Poorly-executed comb-over.

He’s one mandana away from a complete sensory overload. And this made all the worse by the fact that he’s clutching a pouty-lipped pink ball of cleavite with eyes sensuous enough to cause even the proudest of homosexuals to feel an explosion of self-loathing.

Well said, my friend. All the classic douche/hott dialectics are present. douchetonic agrees:

Velvet Jones. Although I am very tempted to vote for Ricky, Velvet pulls through with the imitation-Dolomite image, an image I rarely see among D-Bags.

Excellent Dolomite reference, D.T. A long neglected film that deserves its place in the canon.

But the legend of Ricky may remain with us long past this Weekly. There are special Douchies I hand out to people like Ricky. So he may stay with us after all. Like a rash. On my groin.

As douchette1 puts it:

ricky! he’s all “sup?!” and hottie’s all turning away and going “NOOOO! don’t take my picture with this wanker!” and ricky’s still all “sup?!”

Yes. Yes he is. Or, as bcs puts it:

He is the Indiana nightclub version of Rudy. He is the everyday man, who somehow finds himself on a path to fornicating with greatness. Who are we to stop him?

I vote for him, not because he is a douche, but because there is a little Ricky inside of us all.

Indeed bcs, I think that’s Ricky’s pick-up line. “Would you like a little Ricky inside you all?” Or, as The Arch Douche eloquently put it:

Wherever I am, for as long as I live, Ricky will always be dancing behind me. It can’t be undone, so it must be mourned.

Yes he will, T.A.D. Just like a scrunt, use a mirror. But while Ricky came in second, and BOING! a disappointingly distant third, this is Velvet’s moment to shine, along with Strawberry Cheesecake. As Col. John “Hannibal” Douche wisely sums it up with a back to basics appeal:

How is this even a question. Velvet Jones. Hes a pro – the total package.

Yes. Yes he is. So pour yourself a frosty cold mug of the classy Colt 45 and toast Velvet’s pro-douche game, as well as Strawberry Cheesecake’s wondrous mounds of feminine signification.

They’re this week’s Weekly winner. And bringin’ their A-Game to the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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