Monday, October 15, 2007

HCwDB of the Month

There are some hottie/douchey pics that transcend the need to compete for votes on an internet website. I speak, of course, of The Gator.

The Gator’s foul oil drenched uberdouche, and his increasingly varied selection of hottie, jumped him past the Weekly, past the Monthly, and straight into the rarified air of our beloved “Hall of Scrote.”

But these four couplings don’t have it so easy. They have to compete for your collective societal approval. And by approval, I mean rejection.

Four Weekly winners. But only one Monthly victor will emerge. So lest I keep ramblin’ about my ramblin’ amblin’ weekend, here’s your Finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Olive Loaf and Banana Hott

Cheesy club dude?

Or loaf of half baked bread?

The douche is high with this one, and I’m not just saying that because he has carefully orchestrated thickets of hair in perfect crop formation. I’m saying that because his face is a pimento olive in the martini glass of ass.

Banana Blonde is a half peeled popsicle stick of appeal.

Succulent thighs and one of the best dresses of all time.

But can she carry the loaf to a win in the Monthly? Is his douchitude enough?

It’s certainly possible. He’s uhm,… how you say,… uberscrote. A worthy finalist indeed. I now want to punch a kitten.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: ‘Bag Island

There are the spectacle ‘bags, and then there are the everyday fratchoads.

The type who say Bra and Dude in every other sentence.

The type who live off the trust funds, can’t form a coherent sentence under threat of death, and still pull perfectly formed swim team state school hotties with bone necklaces and ripe apple boobies.

What makes the ‘Bag Islander so annoying isn’t just the hair device, the Miller Lite/point or the neck sunglasses.

It’s the look to his off-screen buddy.

The Duuuuude, we’re so living the dream!! with finger point.

No. No you’re not living the dream, Miller Lite pud.

Well okay, maybe in your universe, you are livin’ the proverbial dream. But that still doesn’t mean I can’t call you douche.

And I see you too, Bikini Red on the right taking the picture. Hi there.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Thornton Mellon Stewie Head

Some of you felt TMSH wasn’t a worthy Weekly winner, but I disagree.

It’s not just the football mellon head. It’s the pink flushed cheecks. The receding fauxhawk. The teeny, tiny patch of chin pube.

And a cornfed hottie who makes me want to drive the back roads of Iowa and pretend to be a Country Western singer named “Biff.”

Then you have the giant A/X shirt.

And a sombrero.

I’m telling you. Add in a dancing monkey and this pic would be hanging in the experimental wing at the Museum of Modern Art.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Velvet Jones

For those arguing we need to get some more brothers up on our wall, Velvet Jones represents nicely.

He is classic Eddie Murphy SNL parody douchebaggery.

A nice slice of brothabag that demonstrates once again that douchebaggery is performativity. It is found in every nook, cranny and sphincter of this wide and disparate country.

And she is fantastic strawberry cheesecake happy pants goodness.

She’s probably named Amanda. Or Kelly. She watches American Idol and dreams of writing children’s books.

But now Velvet’s showin’ her some luve.

And the rest of us can only recoil in the hottie/douchey wrongness. And the velvet shirt. Seriously. Velvet, Velvet Jones? And does your mustache talk?

So them’s your four. Four enter. Only one can win.

I don’t envy you this task, people. Each of these pics brings powerful and unique attributes to the hott/choad duality that tasks us all.

Is it Velvet and Strawberry? Or perhaps it’s the classic fratchoad on the boat in the ‘Bag Island Experience? Or the lusty perfection of Banana Hott and the Olive Loaf? Or does the cartoonish ridiculousness of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head take the Monthly prize?

It’s a food fight Monthly.

Which cohabitation of hump worthy hott and rotting zombie corpse douche make you want to cry “Uncle!” and smash your head into a metallic underpass? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you. Four servings of douche-meat and hott. But only one can triumph.

Which will it be?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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