Wednesday, October 17, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: The 'Bag Islander

This was one of the first Monthlys in awhile in which all four contestant combos literally had us stumped. All four were deserving winners. And by winners, I mean poobags.

But then one emerged triumphant. A total devastation. A landslide off the Island of Long.

I feel like a proud papa. When The ‘Bag Island first appeared on the site, he was just another Fratchoad. But then we all took another look. Slowly that smug expression of entitlement began to gnaw away at us. The perfect form of Nymph Hott casually ignored behind him began to set off bells of alarm.

Something was wrong here. Very, very wrong. And so the ‘Bag Islander’s rage factor began to grow and spread like a thin white headband and a “Bra!! Livin’ the Dream!!” finger point. And by the time we reached Monthly, it was a blowout.

There’s first time voter Waiting for Godouche, who writes:

This is truly what HCwDB is all about. It often seems that the douchebags we find, while hilarious/infuriating, are too polished, too self-aware, too in debt to the choads who have come before for their style and attitude.

This is the original douche.

He’s not sporting that headband or ignoring that girl or wearing sunglasses around his neck or drinking Miller Lite or pointing to his douche buddy because he’s seen others do it and he wants some of that action – he’s doing it because it’s who he is. The role of the Douchebag is not one he adopts when it’s convenient, it is the life he lives. It’s as if all the other photos on this site are of Julia Roberts, and we’ve finally gotten a picture of the real Erin Brockovich.

“No ‘bag is an island,” says John Douche, but this may be as close as we’re ever going to get.

Very well said, Godouche. Or as the ever present anonyous succinctly sums it up:

Bag Island all the way!! That’s the kind of guy I’d love to kick in the face.

Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed. Literary Alchemist offers up another solution to this pic’s inchoate rage: The ‘Bag Island needs to be tried for war crimes.

Bag Island FTW.

That sack lick is in such violation of the Geneva Convention that Simon Wiesenthal should rise from the grave and try this pud lick in Nurembourg.

Maybe the Hague can get in on this action.

But lets not forget the others. Coming in a solid second place with fervert supporters, was the noxious combo of Velvet Jones and The Strawberry Cheesecake, which schwagle makes the case for:

Velvet takes the crown. He is the epitome of choad: it’s obvious he realizes he’s a douche, and yet doesn’t fight it, but rather embraces it. It’s like his entire persona just screams “I’m ‘bag and I’m proud”, no words that should ever be uttered by anyone’s mouth, even in jest. He is like Lando Calrissian, but with every meter of cool cranked up to “douche” instead.

Alas, Velvet’s run towards the finals came up a ‘stache short. The Olive Loaf also found support, but simply not enough. As waramp puts it:

I gotta give my vote to olive loaf. The sheer grease of that photo is enough to fry my eggs without them sticking to the pan. And that side-boob just puts olive loaf over the edge.

Sadly, Stewie Head came in a distant fourth. So he’s taking his head and going home.

It’s the Island of Choad that takes this month’s hottie/douchey prize. As the last comment in the voting thread, here’s Ace:

If this were any other month, it would be velvet jones for sure. But, bag island transcends their sheer lameness and personifies the mission of hot chicks with douchebags.

Give it up to the Everyday boating Islander of ‘Bag and the perfect black bikini hottie behind him. They are deserving of a well earned Monthly victory.

We’ll see these tools at the Doucheys in December. Right, bra?

# posted by douchebag1

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