Monday, October 1, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

In sipping your morning coffee and contemplating our visual culture of the desperate spectacles of performance, the fauxhawks, face grease, sunglasses at night and the hotties who congregate at its douchey flame, know this.

Within the ripples of the collective mock lies the seeds of social revolution.

So don’t think of today’s voting as simply selecting which choad/hott combo most combines the intoxicating and nauseating aromas of yin/yang wrongness. Think of your vote as a participation in cultural transformation.

So go ahead. Mock a choad. Leer at a boob. Don’t do it for you. Do it for all of us. One ‘bag at a time.

Here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Facehugger

As any experienced ‘bag hunter knows, hunting for the signs of uberdouchosity isn’t always that easy.

You have to parse the subtleties of male douchebaggery in the presence of the hott. Look for the key signifiers of cultural douche-poo at work.

And then there are scrotal funguses like The Facehugger, in which no skills whatsoever are needed to stamp “Choad” on his forehead in bright orange letters and call it a day.

This pud is as douche-obvious as douche-obvious gets. Helen Keller recoiled at the sight of him. Stevie Wonder grew sick in his presence. And yes, I’m doing blind jokes.

Sexy O.C. Blonde has the teased hair of 1980s Heather Locklear by way of Lori Loughlin. She makes my happy pants do the happy dance.

But it’s that little peaking Douche Belly Button on The Facehugger that puts his James Cameron alien egg laying douchebaggery over the top and into the finals.

It is rank.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Olive Loaf

As reader pfah so aptly stated in the comments thread, yellow is the new boner.

Olive Loaf is upscale chain restaurant cheese. Store bought choad. Featuring one of the key signs of hairbaggery, the perfect rows of Iowa corn mean his follicles are ready for the fall harvest.

Olive Loaf’s douchey charms rest completely in his oily persona and low cut douche-shirt. But he doesn’t give us the ‘bag hand gesture nor a douche-face, and that may cost him in the voting.

Making up for his lack of douche-effort, I spy boobies.

And a dress that celebrates life. And by life, I mean the lustful pale cleavite of side-boob.

She is a sultry red wine.

He is loaf.

Together, they make a hottie/douchey meal with all the food groups covered.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The White Shadow


I’m going with The White Shadow as our third finalist even if he may be The Fish Slap, because we’ve never had a finalist so spewdouche that he made it into the finals without his full douche-face being visible.

And then there’s Pouty Doll. Who’s bringing anorexia back.

The silver speckled bustier and aqua blue bra strap all contribute to an aura of absolute sexual healing.

I would dip cherries in chocolate and sell them for$7.99 a pound to ungrateful housewives in an upscale eatery if I could take her deli orders once a week. I would walk her four Irish Setters and pick up their poo with a plastic baggy if I could hang outside her kitchen window and watch her polish her nails by the fireplace.

Seeing her get pawed by The White Shadow is enough to cancel a 1970s show about high school basketball players named Salami.

Honorary mention goes to Gunter in Rio, and the twin zygotes featured in Afflicted.
Both just missed the cut.

So them’s your three. And only one will move on to the finals.

But which’ll it be? Which combo of sexy cutie and rotting bark fungus most turns your stomach and inspires your wrath?

Facehugger? Olive Loaf? Or The White Shadow?

All you lurkers, time to step up and vote. Let your hottie/douchey vote ring out, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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