Monday, October 8, 2007

HCwDB of the Week

Other then the sad news about Pumpy, it was generally a good weekend for your humble narrator in all things greasy/scrotey, The DB1. Not the least of which was enjoying the Saturday Night Live sketch, “The Douchebag of the Year Awards.” It was pretty funny, although lacking in the dialectic of hott-chick.

But I think I enjoyed it more the first time. When it was called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags.”

I was just glad to see SNL is still on the air after all these years. I thought it crashed and burned in the early 2000s after that self inflicted influenza outbreak in Decatur, Illinois.

I’m not sure if you read about it. Overwhelmed by having laughs, humor and mirth sucked out of their subconscious through the psychoanalytic trauma known as “Jimmy Fallon,” the audience started self injecting active flu virus into their eyeballs using giant horse needles. A last, desperate attempt by a sad and desperate people to spare themselves from the existential crisis known as the “Fallon Stutter.” Very sad.

But I kid the SNL writing staff. Because I’m sitting on my floor scratching myself, and they’re getting uberhott New York Dalton educated librarian glasses wearing art-hotties at the after party. Damn New York Art Hotties. I miss you so.

On to the finalists…

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Velvet Helmet


The ancient Greeks had a word to describe this guy.

That word was “douchebagus ipso facto umberto eco.” Well, okay, it was more like a phrase than a word. Roughly translated, it means “Where’d I leave my socks?”

We’ve seen hotter lineups of hotties, most recently in Friday Night Freddy, but those girls had the quasi-“pro” vibe. And, like we saw with Dante’s Assferno, the perfect hottie glutes of child bearing hip hugging asstastic perfection will only take a hottie/douchey coupling so far if they’re paid to be there.

So what to make of Velvet Helmet’s douchey ways? And what to do with Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes hottie, whose perky overbite would get The DB1 to overspend on a bottle of $90 saki at Sushi Roku while she tells me about her new agent and how he’s totally going to get her a part on “24.”

No. No he isn’t, Terri Hatcher Crazy Eyes. And this saki is expensive.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars


The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has that everyman Rocky Balboa inspirational douchebaggery. Like Ricky before him, The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars has a shot a cult hero status.

He’s the little ‘bag that could.

He’s got a perky state school cutie named Ramona or Sharon. And he’s got a lot of popped collars.

Douche? Perhaps only on a rudimentary level of douchological impact.

But still. In many ways he has a profound douche essence well beyond the actual signifiers of douchery. And hey. Thems a lot of popped collars. So I enter him and Sharon/Ramona with the nice smile, and see if they have what it takes to win the Weekly. They just might. Because hey. That’s a lot of popped collars.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Thornton Mellon Stewie Head


Inverted football Stewie Head Thornton Mellon was our Wednesday Limerick candidate, so I dub thee after the great Rodney Dangerfield’s great performance in Back To School.

Mellon here is an impressive ‘bag/hott combo because he retains his douchey imprint long after initial consumption has taken place.

Like a delicate flower. Or a punch to the ballsack.

The Council of Trent! What’s that? Sorry, I didn’t hear the question. Oh, the question was why is Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his cutie worthy for HCwDB of the Week honors?

Because Mellon has chin pubes, the A/X, and the sexy corn fed brunette ball of teddy bear cute. Toss in the mexican sombrero guy in the background and the only thing that would make this pic more fantastic is an oragutan packin’ heat, like in Cannonball Run II.

Speaking of Cannonball Run II, was that Molly Picon cameo the most random slice of cameo casting esoterica until Bono as Ken Kesey in “Across the Universe”? I’d argue yes.

But I digress. Like a Fallon laugh ruining a sketch, which of these three pics is your selection for hott/choad winner? The mellon head of Thornton Mellon Stewie Head and his sexy cornfed hottie? The everyman populist campaign of The Dude With a Lot of Popped Collars and Ramona with the nice smile? Or is it the classic scrotal annoyances of Velvet Helmet and his posse of hott?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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