Wednesday, October 3, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Olive Loaf


After an extremely even voting in which all three were only separated by under 10 votes, the Olive Loaf squeaked by and takes the crown by a single length of cleavite. His singular burst of grease and his hottie’s tiny yellow fabric of fantasy. AS The Bleethinator puts it:

Olive Loaf because he reminds me of my childhood because he looks like the offspring of the Chesire Cat and Earthworm Jim. Plus yellow boner hottie is one of the hottest chicks I’ve seen on this site.

Earthworm Jim. Nice. Apparently The Loaf lived in all of our childhood fears, as douche and tonic writes:

The Olive Loaf. He reminds me of….some kind of super villain from the Power Rangers or something.

But this was no slam dunk. No cornrowed side boob of domination. All three finalists found their fans.

Coming in extremely close in second was The Facehugger, who inspired passions among those who threw their pies at his greasy face. As The douche-osopher put it:

Take away the glasses and even the tongue-wagging and you can still see the thug physiognomy, the small protruding chimp-like ears being pushed down below the jawline by the oversized cranium. The effete edge of the jawline combined with the scruffy ‘stache. The helpful boyish ape-charm that says “Here, let me lick those ants off of your face.”

The pug nose, the curly fuzz of chest and navel– all of this– suggests what we have here is something rarely seen and now mostly found in the classic stories of rags-to-riches by the early American writer Horatio Alger, later parodied in the Little Rascals and Three Stooges.. A gritty pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps mythology coupled with an almost stunning naivete and optimism. Or stupidity.

Love the Horatio Alger ref, D.O. Facehugger came thisclose to taking the big enchilada this week, and we may yet see a special Douchey Award for that tongue in December.

And then there was The White Shadow. bo and luke douche make the argument for W.S. by using the calibration measurements of the “Hottie Eye”:

Look into pouty lips’ eyes. She’s speaking to us from across the Bleethe divide. She knows she cannot come back; the virus is too strong now. But, she must fight.

Her only ammunition is the sobering realization of what she has become. In her eyes I see an utter disdain for The White Shadow and his dry-erase board graffiti. Her gaze is a warning to those young hotties who are experimenting with the douche. A warning and a call to arms.

Indeed, Mortimer. Indeed.

But notadouche sums up what takes the Loaf over the top this week, and it is the combo hott/choad polarities in perpetual conflict:

there’s no question for me that facehugger is the biggest douchebag. HOWEVER, the site is hot chicks with douchebags, and yellow dress is one of the hottest chicks ever to grace the site. mediocre “something about mary” hair douche makes this week add up to a vote for the olive loaf

So give it up for The Loaf and Yellow Dress. A hard fought and close victory, besting The Facehugger Alien by only a few votes. Punch his ticket and motorboat some Yellow, we’ll see this oily bread again in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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