Monday, October 22, 2007

HCwDB of the Week: Taco Bell Edition

So I’m watching football yesterday, and that Taco Bell ad comes on with the annoying fauxhawk hipsters offering up witty Madison Ave focus tested repartee about the super coolness of chili con carne. Older Madison Ave created “cool guy” lectures younger Madison Ave created “cool guy” about the proper way to spread the chili on the chips.

Because nothing’s quite so tasty as processed rat meat on a taco shell that was probably made by 9 year olds in giant gothic Taco Bell slave factories somewhere off the coast of Baja.

So anyways, the ad. One ad executive created hipster douchebag turns to the other and says, “Always, ALWAYS, put chili on your con carne.”

And I’m thinking to myself, are they subtly ripping off, or paying some sick demented homage to Alec Baldwin’s brilliant monologue in Glengarry Glen Ross? Some last, desperate attempt by a hack copywriter to pay tribute to brilliant writing and feel less awful about his lot in life? In the middle of a freaking Taco Bell ad?

I turn it over to the late, great genius, Bill Hicks.

We miss you, Bill. I couldn’t have said it any better than that.

On to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Queen Bee and the Power Chord

There’s a certain everyday rot taking place in this pic. That retro musician dude stuck in the early 1980s who still somehow manages to score the superhot sister of your best friend.

I’m looking at you, Hannah.

You flirted with me all through high school. Let me see you change by the pool and pretended you didn’t know I was there. You even made out with me at your brother’s party on Senior Skip Day.

Then you went off to Michigan State and two years later you came home with Power Chord douchebag. That mid 30s Ron Johnson who works at the stereo store at the Mall and drives a Camaro.

The dude who doesn’t care whether she comes, stays, lays or prays, whatever happens, his toes are still tappin’.

For bringing up that memory alone, crossbred as it was in my confused subconscious with Fast Times at Ridgemont High dialog, The Queen Bee of Hott and her Power Chord of suck are a worthy finalist.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Douche or Dali

I appreciate any hottie/douche pic that vaguely resembles mid century surrealist art.

Although Peroxide Blondie is a bit too “enhanced” for my tastes, her Daisy Duke hottness still resonates.

Then there’s 84 Degree Hat Tilt. Who looks vaguely anime. Or a rejected character design for Disney’s “The Fox and the Scrote.”

And then the shirtlessness, continuing its rampage across our culture like a swarm of killer bees.

All bad.

Very, very bad.

Make it stop. Please, won’t someone make it stop.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tony With the Car Dealership

There’s a certain extra something lurking in this pic that just prevented me from not including it in the Weekly.

I think it’s Tony.

But it could also be sweet perky Katie Hottie, with the sinful body that she probably hasn’t remotely figured out how to use.

Like a Ferrari being driven by a 89 year old great grandmother named Claire.

Some hotties have the car, they just haven’t figured out how to drive stick yet.

Or are my entendres getting just a bit too silly?

Oh, and Tony?

Shoulderpads. Are douche.

I don’t know whether you should win HCwDB of the Week or donate those pads to help Cuban illegals sail across the Gulf of Mexico.

So them’s your three.

In the grand tradition of Taco Bell, I put it to you like a case of the runs. Which of these three is worthy of Weekly status? Car Dealer Tony and his Sweet Cutie? Queen Bee and her Power Chord? Or the surreal Douche or Dali posse?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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