Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ask DB1: 'Bag Confrontation


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Dear DB1,

I had the displeasure of having an encounter of the douchebag kind while enjoying some Thanksgiving Eve festivities and was hoping you could enlighten me as to how the situation should have more properly been handled.

I was at a nice, multi-level bar in NYC that had an open area where there were a goodly number of people dancing, most of whom were attractive girls.

I’d been putting on my drunk whiteboy dance show for about three songs when I suddenly sensed a presence behind me. At the same time, what I can only describe as an Uber Guido danced up to the girl I was with, directly opposite from me, and started dancing right up on her. Her face underwent a cascade of emotions from shock, to dismay, to disgust as she registered the presence of the jackass with the faux-hawk and too-tight shirt with nearly non-existent sleeves to better show his 24″ pythons.

Somehow misinterpreting her clear disgust as encouragement, the Uber Guido suavely asked, “Hey, wanna party? Yeah! Let’s party!!!” and began increasing the aggressiveness of his dancing style. A quick glance over my shoulder revealed that another, equally offensive Uber Guido was lurking behind me.

At this point, what is a reasonable guy to do in this situation?

I have to admit that I took what I felt to be the only reasonable course, which was to swiftly flee the dance area to escort the girl to the bar for another drink, but felt like I should have done something more to further the Cause. Did I let down the anti-douchebag community?

–Gaius Douchius Caesar
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Physically confronting the douche can often be harmful, as they’re likely to pummel the average ‘bag hunter. What’s best is to mock them from a safe distance, while stirring your drink with that useless little red straw they always give you.

However when forced into direct confrontation with a dual douche assault, there is one weapon of choice I prefer to use: The Two Syllable Word. For instance, “Why the deviated cranium, douche-face? Did your mother mate with a split rock?” containes the words “deviated” and “cranium,” which the average ‘bag will not understand.

Most ‘bags live monosyllabic lives. Simply introduce a number of complex words into your mocking of their grease, and you should quickly triumph. They will grow rapidly confused, and then seek out other Woo-Hotties to bother.

# posted by douchebag1

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