Monday, November 19, 2007

HCwDB of the Month: Turkey Edition

Here we are. The HCwDB of the Month.

Who will join last month’s winner, The ‘Bag Islander? That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

But before we get to this 4-Choad/Hott Clash in the last Monthly before the annual Douchey Awards, I’ve made a couple of executive decisions:

1. The Stereodouchtonic Twins are in the Hall. They’re just too ridiculous not to be.
2. Ricky will not get his own space in the left-hand column. But for embodying the glorious Everybag, Ricky will be receiving a Douchie Award in December’s annual Douchies. So Ricky fans can boogie to his award winning averageness forever.

On to the finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Douche or Dali?

Ah yes.

The surreal masterpiece of abstract grease-art.

The neo-pointilist post George Seurat mish-mash of abstract douche by way of a pop culture Warholian lens.

It’s almost mean to subject you to this pic so early on a Monday.

But contenders, this picture is.

One classic ‘bag sandwich, to go. With extra silicone.

And a choke necklace on a shirtless choad. What more could you want? Aside from a lobotomy to forget this monstrosity is even real.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Batbag

As acclaimed novelist Michael Chabon explored in his 2000 novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, the first American superheroes were drawn by the immigrant children of greased up Eurodouches.

Batbag here is not simply superhero.

He is also metaphor for the deep-rooted cultural negotiations at work in mass art. The everyday pop artifacts that expose the threads of cultural influence. The “low culture” items explored by all historical materialists. And by “low culture,” I mean greasy tatted eurodouche.

And lets not forget Bobbin’, his scrotey sidekick. And the MILF Cute.

Yup. That’s a quality pic. Forgot how much I missed the Batbag.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Jack Scrotington

A deceptively douchey pic when it first arrived, it took awhile for Jack Scrotington’s skeletal cornrows to catch on.

Jack is like a W.W.E. ‘Bag. The Stone Cold Steve Gator stare.

A couple of Ring Girl Hotts on either side. Pink Pout on the left is deceptively cute, with highly suckable neck.

And don’t forget Scrotington’s creepy, obsessed #1 Fan, Ted.

Get out of the picture, Ted.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Limey

A perfect balance between a sexy Miami Beach hooha and a pouty one-gloved uberdouche.

As with any great HCwDB pic, the balance between the polarities is strong with this one.

And hey.

Pink lipstick.

Which looks good on her, too.

Special props for the combo one-glove-Shocker move. Where’s Bruce Campbell to lift up a shotgun and blow that hand away?

Even now we have your darling Linda’s soul… as she suffers in torment!!

Sorry. Had a quick Evil Dead II moment.

God damn. I don’t envy you your task. These are four worthy hottie/douchey pics. But only one can win. Only one couple can emerge from the Octagon of Douche triumphant. Which will it be?

In this, the week of Turkey, which is your pic of carved choice?

Think long. Think hard. Think another euphemism that could be either sexual or sports related. Vote, as always, in the comments section.

# posted by douchebag1

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