Wednesday, February 6, 2008

HCwDB of the Month: Gabehcuod


Give it up to the gardener in a douched out hotel resort in a Steven King novel: Gabehcuod. His hair is a maze for Jack Nicholson to run through.

It was a very close race between the amateur scrotery of Gabehcuod and the pro-douche of The Brick.

But Gabe pulled out the win. eau de douche makes the case:

Gabehcuod, easily.

The arrowhead-douchiness of the hair pattern, the sickly spikes, the creepy tenseness in the grotesque muscles that only master douches can summon, the hideous splayed fingers, threating the womb of our gray hott, with rings on the thumb, middle finger and pinky. The strange, legs-together, bent-kneed body-push. the douchey, thin-lipped pout. The cut on his nose, most likely from a douchey sports-fight. Two more rings on his other hand, gripping sweet next-door hotty’s shoulder, agressively pushing her into his douchey frame.

And… is that a bottle of Grey Goose at their table, in the lower, left-hand corner of the photograph? I believe it is. Gabehcuod, master douche.

Well said E de D. doucheywood ca agrees:

It has to be Gabehcuod. Not only does he have a design carved into the side of his head, a pencil thin chinstrap beard, a little rat tail growing off of his lower lip, blingity bling bling everywhere, and a mowhawk, he has all of that AND A F@#$ing BRUCE-WILLIS SIZED RECEDING HAIRLINE (did someone mention steroids already?).

The Hott, channeling Maid Marian, wants me to swoop in like Robin Hood and save her from the Scientology womb-freeze that is being blasted on her

Excellently put, D.C.A. However, The Brick came in a close second, with colostomy bag making the argument:

While Gabehcuod is a real specimen I have to go with the Brick – he is straight out the school of classic douchebaggery. Plus, I can’t help but laugh every time I see that pic.

Very true, C.B. But what cost the yellow spandex cartoonish spectacle of the Brick from taking the crown, even with his perfect brunette plum on his arm, was clearly the “pro” status. baron von goolo explains:

The Brick’s wearing a posing thong, freshly defoliated and marinated in fake tan. He is obviously fresh off the stage at a competition. Competitions pay the winners. Payment begets professional status. Pros are disqualified from douchebag voting. Ergo, the Brick, while exhibiting more than a couple of douchey traits, is ineligible.

The small town punchable charms of Wally Playah, and his sexy cornfed cutie, earned some small but vocal support. kowalski makes the argument for the W.P:

Wally. Yeah, he’s small change, but he has a sense of arrogance that exceeds all the others; he doesn’t get that he’s a small timer, and a small timer who acts like he’s the biggest thing in the world is the worst type of douchebag.

Very true, kowalski, and strong argument for the core essence of douchebaggery. But it was Gabehcuod who offered us the winning hott/scrote combo. In the end you know you have a Monthly Winner when three different ‘bag hunters offer up three different lone reasons why the couple deserves the crown:

altar-ego: Gabehcuod. The hair, nuff said.

anonymous: Gabehcuod. too big of a bitch to pass up

jurassic douche: Gabechuod. He has a freaking maze in his hair!

Or, as butch cassidy and the douched out kids puts the final stamp on it:

Gabehcuod, the pinheaded scrote for the win.

For the win indeed.

Congrats on a well fought Monthly, and by congrats, I mean someone slap this freak with a dead otter and make love to Wendy’s kneecaps using only motor oil and a feather.

# posted by douchebag1

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