Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB on DListed

Welcome DListed-ers! If this is your first time to Hot Chicks with Douchebags, come for the douche. Stay for the boobies.

I’m pleased to see DListed took one of my pics for their caption contest and actually gave me credit this time.

If you’re searching for the original post of the genius that is Millennium ‘Bag, you can scroll down, or click here.

EDIT: Pic swapped out due to take-down request.

The Automaton

Sure he’s douchey today. But he astounded onlookers at the 1908 World’s Fair.

Planet of the 'Bags

Get your stinking hands off her you damned, greasy douche!

Pope Greasius XII

PIC DELETED

Jesus Bling of the Shirt. Check. Hitler Chin Pubes. Check.

Yup, it’s Pope Greasius XII, out for a night of relaxin’ and lettin’ the vibes flow. You got a problem, broheim? Because Greasius will throw down like the Kung Fu Pope that he is.

Brunette may look like a confused Au Pair from Antwerp, but her gold superhero dress can lasso my Düsseldorf any day of the week.

Reader Mail

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DB1-

-AD
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One can never get fired for reading Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

One can only be delayed from reading Hot Chicks with Douchebags. For the job may change, but the mocking rings forever. And only through the mocking of the hottie/choady dialectic, will one find the path to enlightenment.

Tell your friend that what he has lost in temporary material sustenence, he will gain in the power to deconstruct the gel, bling and douche-face and see a Higher Truth.

The Truth of Poo. And the Truth of Boobies.

The Mushroom

Yessh, I gotta clear that Mayerbag ooze off the top of the page.

This All American perky cutie and her mutant mushroom windswept Best Friend ‘Bag oughtta do the trick.

And by do the trick, I mean piss me off. Which is still better than thinking about Mayerbag.

John Mayer: Douche Eternal

Your body is a toxic waste dump, Mayerbag.

You are the once and future personification of averageness. If celebrities had a “C,” you would score it.

An overrated mediocrity masquerading as crossover talent. A transparent record label invention posing as real human being. A pseudo-deep tool with inane lyrics, chord progressions that the pre-pubescent Hansen brothers had already advanced past, and the worst licks this side of the Color Me Badd free concert down at the Esplanade during the Summer Carnival.

Now take your attempts at ironic douchebaggery and hold them for The Surreal Life: Sucky Rockstar Edition in 2009. Because you’ll need all your douchey wiles to go up against Mark McGrath, Lenny Kravitz and Yngwie Malmsteen in a cornucopia of overrated habdashery.

Wednesday Limerick

There once was a douche named Fredericke,
Who turned the other cheek,
But the putz was a klutz,
No ifs, ands or butts,
And boarded a plane to Mozambique.

Yup. Need more coffee…

HCwDB of the Month: Gabehcuod

Give it up to the gardener in a douched out hotel resort in a Steven King novel: Gabehcuod. His hair is a maze for Jack Nicholson to run through.

It was a very close race between the amateur scrotery of Gabehcuod and the pro-douche of The Brick.

But Gabe pulled out the win. eau de douche makes the case:

Gabehcuod, easily.

And… is that a bottle of Grey Goose at their table, in the lower, left-hand corner of the photograph? I believe it is. Gabehcuod, master douche.

Well said E de D. doucheywood ca agrees:

It has to be Gabehcuod. Not only does he have a design carved into the side of his head, a pencil thin chinstrap beard, a little rat tail growing off of his lower lip, blingity bling bling everywhere, and a mowhawk, he has all of that AND A F@#$ing BRUCE-WILLIS SIZED RECEDING HAIRLINE (did someone mention steroids already?).

The Hott, channeling Maid Marian, wants me to swoop in like Robin Hood and save her from the Scientology womb-freeze that is being blasted on her

Excellently put, D.C.A. However, The Brick came in a close second, with colostomy bag making the argument:

While Gabehcuod is a real specimen I have to go with the Brick – he is straight out the school of classic douchebaggery. Plus, I can’t help but laugh every time I see that pic.

Very true, C.B. But what cost the yellow spandex cartoonish spectacle of the Brick from taking the crown, even with his perfect brunette plum on his arm, was clearly the “pro” status. baron von goolo explains:

The Brick’s wearing a posing thong, freshly defoliated and marinated in fake tan. He is obviously fresh off the stage at a competition. Competitions pay the winners. Payment begets professional status. Pros are disqualified from douchebag voting. Ergo, the Brick, while exhibiting more than a couple of douchey traits, is ineligible.

The small town punchable charms of Wally Playah, and his sexy cornfed cutie, earned some small but vocal support. kowalski makes the argument for the W.P:

Wally. Yeah, he’s small change, but he has a sense of arrogance that exceeds all the others; he doesn’t get that he’s a small timer, and a small timer who acts like he’s the biggest thing in the world is the worst type of douchebag.

Very true, kowalski, and strong argument for the core essence of douchebaggery. But it was Gabehcuod who offered us the winning hott/scrote combo. In the end you know you have a Monthly Winner when three different ‘bag hunters offer up three different lone reasons why the couple deserves the crown:

altar-ego: Gabehcuod. The hair, nuff said.

jurassic douche: Gabechuod. He has a freaking maze in his hair!

Or, as butch cassidy and the douched out kids puts the final stamp on it:

Gabehcuod, the pinheaded scrote for the win.

For the win indeed.

Congrats on a well fought Monthly, and by congrats, I mean someone slap this freak with a dead otter and make love to Wendy’s kneecaps using only motor oil and a feather.

No More D.J. Smelly Smell

PZ writes in:

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take off the 2nd one….u smell a dj

pz
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I’ve always wanted to be owned. Sometimes, when I’m feeling kinky, even pwned.

But what I’ve never wanted is to smell like D.J. ass.