Monday, March 10, 2008

HCwDB of the Month

This is an epic smackdown. Four quality hottie/douchey couplings. And by “quality,” I mean a dead lizard frying on the grill at an Outback Steakhouse.

But only one can triumph. Only one selection contains that perfect, transcendent mix of sexy young hottness and God defying douched-out cloth-rending tear in the societal soul of cultural progress.

Each scrotey/boobie coupling had what it takes to win a Weekly. But the Monthly? That, my friends, that is up to you.

Here are your nominees for HCwDB of the Month:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Grenade Tosser


Sure this gnome putz is more of a goofy clown than infuriating ‘bag.

But note the black fingernails, bandana, earring and utterly inexplicable grenade on the shirt. Then factor in the smug expression and boob grab maneuver.

Add it up, and what do you get? A Monthly finalist. That’s what.

She is a lovely Raisinet of chocolate dipped goodness. Two hair tones and a glorious smile.

That lovely lip gloss that they make only in heaven. It’s on the counter right next to the Heaven’s Own Whips ™ section.

Because God is a freak like that.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks

HJBBaD is a unique finalist in that the strength of his appeal lay not within photographic evidence of his wrongness, but in his bewildering and douchily genius scat poetry on his Facebook profile.

To wit:

I DON’T LIKE:

WHORES. girls that smell like s@#t. girls that fart in my presence. girls that pop a squat and take a piss. girls that pop a squat and take a piss AND then put it up on facebook. majority of brunette girls. annoying bitches. girls that don’t smoke trees occasionally. proper bitches that NEVER do anything dangerous. girls that don’t watch scary movies.

cops. snitches. girls that smoke cigarettes. crooked teeth. yellow teeth. acne. sand on my feet. sand on my genitals. sunburns. peeling skin. tarantulas. moles. girls with a lot of freckles. beauty marks..it ain’t no beauty mark bitch.

To read the collected works of HJBBaD’s poetry, you can go here and here.

HJBBaD is a Douche Poet. The Allen Ginsberg of his generation. Jack Kerouac’s On the Choad. He is, um, a big turd.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Millennium ‘Bag aka The Android aka The Fembot

The Mill is already legend. His crimson visage has burned a hole through our collective retinas, and calls for entry into the Hall of Scrote are building with each passing sunburnt day.

M.B. is so powerful with his shaved hair, gelled metallic shine and tanning accident, we’ve barely touched upon his rather cute European lady friend.

Who knows what country in Europe this was taken in. We know only that the ‘baggitude is off the charts. She is hott. He is a robot from the future sent back to douche us all and change history.

So he must be stopped.

Or he’ll just keep on coming, until we’re all tanning and gelling like zombified fiends of the Euro-night.

And, he’s really really creepy. Like nightmare creepy. Make him stop. Please. Someone.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Deathtongue


Rarely does a pic of a heaping douche embracing a hott cause pain to shoot through our stomachs and shake the grounds upon which we walk.

Deathtongue is that pic.

The strength of this douchey/hott monstrosity lies not just in the embrace, the saliva, and the grease of the choad, but in the dancing eyes of joy on the cat eyed minx of perfection.

She enjoys this. Repeat. She enjoys this.

The heart of any great HCwDB pic is in the cultural violations of spectacle captured in frozen pixelated form.

The second pic is even worse.

This Quartasian steals my heart with a flick of her eyes. While Deathtongue salivates on her lower jaw.

Each of these pics could win.

Each of them is deserving in their own way. Each coupling brings a different set of skills to this death match round robin battle.

Does the Grenade Tosser ride the mamms of victory? Can He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks ride the infuriating scribblings of a State School douche to the top? Will Deathtongue and his Quartasian combine to knock out the competition? Or is the Android too robotic to be challenged?

That, my friends, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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