Monday, March 31, 2008

HCwDB of the Week

While there were a few of the stronger Vegas uberdouche from last week to pick from, this week’s Weekly is for the everyman. The average douched up schlub. The anonymous working class scrote, doing their small part to contribute to a larger world. And by world, I mean ass pimple.

So while your humble narrator in all things ankle-chain/Affliction, The DB1, nurses a mild hangover due to excess sugar high during drinking last night(stupid Twinkies), here are your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ned’s Fantasy Camp

We all gotta give it up to Ned.

It’s not every day that, when the rest of the Dunder Mifflin office is worried about their March Madness picks or their fantasy baseball draft, Ned is taking his two week vaca to douche it up Hard Rock Style.

You go with your awkard henna tatt, your bizarre freedom trail, and your saggy flaccid nipples that look vaguely like the evil creatures from The Dark Crystal, Ned. It’s impressive. And by impressive, I mean not impressive.

Heck, ya got two sexy, slutty Vegas cocktail waitresses. So I guess your fantasy camp beats the one where you get to play slow pitch softball with Marty Barrett.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Nighthawk aka Balboabag

Sly Spittoon isn’t one of the harsher dbags we’ve featured in recent weeks. But the chin pubes + chest reveal are enough for him to qualify as an everybag.

And for the Asian fetishists in our midst (you know who you are), tasty Sue Kim is a Dim Sum of delight.

Seriously. Her legs can cure rickets.

As to Cobrettibag, do not underestimate the power of the possessional ass pat for its douchey power. For there’s nothing more annoying than Stallonebags in Don Johnson attire patting down the ass of their date while giving you a look that says, “I may sell used cars, but she’s not smart enough to know she can do better.”

Indeed she isn’t, Nighthawk.

Indeed indeed.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Turtleman

At first I wasn’t sure if Sweet Polly Stateschool would be enough to carry Turtleman to a finals appearance.

But I was pleased to see Polly got the love she deserved, even if her posture is a bit awkward.

As to the superhero myth and legend that is Turtleman, what more can be added?

He fights crime.

And by crime, I mean bling.

And by bling, I mean pop.

And by pop, I mean yellow patch in hair.

Yellow patch in hair.

Is that really necessary, Turtleman?

Really?

Yes. I suppose it is.

So them’s your finalists. Three enter, only one can transcend. Which one? That, my friends and fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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