Monday, April 14, 2008

HCwDB of the Month

While this may not have the epic smackdown feel of last month’s HCwDB of the Month (which produced three, count ’em three, Hall of Scrote members) there’s still much to be said for this Month’s battle.

However, I’m gonna mix it up.

I’ve decided to bump the standard rocker douche that was Kid Scrote. That coupling of Rocker Trash and Barbie Hott was a runner-up anyway, who stepped in when the genius Yo-Yo dropped out due to general pussitude.

Instead, I’m going with the Pancake. Yes, that’s right. Straight to the Monthly. Controversial decision? Maybe. Lets see what happens. Here’s your finalists for HCwDB of the Month:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Pancake

Yes, this coupling of innocent sweetness and rocker douche didn’t yet win a Weekly. But he would have.

This combo has that thoroughbred HCwDB combo quality. All the bases covered of that truly odious attractive female with heaping Dave Navarro douche-face wrongness.

Facial pubes? Check.

The Ubiquitous Black Fingernail polish of post-“Mystery” inspired clownshow spectacle?

Check.

An innocent doe that would curl up with me at 2am while I worried about who the last cylon is?

That, too. Her hint of cleavite is majestic.

But enough to win a Monthly without a Weekly win to pad their resumes? Hard to say.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Tighty Armani

Like dainty facial hair forming into a global chin strap that stretches from sideburn to sideburn, Tighty Armani grows on you.

Or perhaps like a fetid fungus. Growing on rotting wormwood.

At first you don’t think he’s so bad. Then you want to lay down a line of frogs on fire with your patented frog flamethrower.

Also this blonde continue to dazzle me with high cheekbones and sweet eyes of mannequin youth.

Toss in the punchable face on the right and the massive swarm of hand gesture, and Tighty Armani’s covers the spectrum of all that is douche.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Turtleman

Rarely do we get douche superheroes competing in a Monthly.

Turtleman first impressd with the single spot of blond locks, the popped pinkness, and the dirty rural kitchen that looks like Jeffrey Dahmer’s workspace.

His slightly confused girl-next-door brings an added punch to the mix.

Watch as Turtleman fights crime in Marvel Comics latest release:

Turtleman Meets the Scrote Fungus

It’s an action packed extravaganza.

Yeah, Turtleman probably doesn’t have much chance in the Monthly.

But dig those bleach stains on the pants.

They’re beyond cool. I’m talking George Michael cool. Which is to say not.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Small Package

Perhaps the highest on the “needs to have his ass kicked” scale among our four Monthly candidates (although Pancake puts up a good argument), The Small Package infuriates with annoying shirt, douche-face, and vacant Norwegian blonde on his arm.

There’s a surreal aesthetic to this framing, mise-en-scene and general grease face that evokes early Edward Steichen phographs.

Yes, art.

But by art, I mean dada poo.

Mmm… amazonian blondes in wifebeaters and choke collars.

So them’s your four.

Four enter. Only one can triumph.

I need to hear from you. Which of these four couples most deserves to win the HCwDB of the Month and have their shot at the coveted HCwDB of the Year at December’s Douchie Awards?

Remember to weigh both douche and hott. Hott and douche. In Yin-Yang polarity. In contrast. In dialogue.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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