Wednesday, April 16, 2008

HCwDB of the Month: Tighty Armani


A tough and spirited debate, but the chin strap + smirk face + sexy long-necked blonde was too much to overcome. Tighty Armani takes the prize. As joe explains:

tough call between tightee and turtle boy. and by tough, i mean one more chew of the proverbial steak of deliberation. pink poppeds are wrong in any country. but wearing an armani t-shirt that stretches your budget and your HGH addled arms? well, that’s wrong in any galaxy.

tighty by one lick of greasy well done skirt steak

The great Russian, douchetoevsky agrees, predicting where Tighty Armani will be in ten years:

T/A: 2 kids by different bleeths, 3 restraining orders, big saggy man boobs, giant gut. daily wardrobe consists of wifebeater T, oversized nylon basketball shorts and shower sandals with socks. still at the club however, working the door.

You overestimate his chances, D. In second, with a strong showing, was The Pancake. ashfish lays down a crossing pattern of frog flamethrower and makes the case:

I’m going to have to toss my vote to the pancake. He’s ruined one of my favorite breakfast foods and one of the best hotts I’ve seen come across these hallowed halls. This pair carry the same fascination and revulsion factor of a pile up of elementary school buses and an oil truck.

Very interesting analogy there, ashfish, well put. 92bpms agrees:

I see a perpetual tattoo artist trainee, a South China Sea pirate costume by way of Johnny Depp and a Cheap Trick cover band bassist. I see a barnet the likes of which can be had for $50 at Vidal Sassoon Cosmotologist Academy. I see chin pubes sculpted by a Braun Pulsonic. I see middle finger protruding in a defiant cock and balls phallus directed at posterity complete with black nail polish applied by the Vidal Sassoon Academy for an additional $25. It’s quite clear that all these factors cannot be reduced.

Bringing the deconstructions nicely, 92. Coming in a respectable third, The Small Package. khorpo argues for the tiny dancing elf:

You recognize a douche by a lot of aspects. By their look, their hands, popped collar etc. But, to be sure that the person is a real douchie, you have to see how he behaves. However, you can CLEARLY see in a picture how Small Package acts, talk and climb his way to the top of the scrote. My vote goes to him and his t-shirt.

He was a worthy finalist, KH. Turtleman came in a distant forth, very sad for a superhero, but The Mighty Mighty Douchetones does lay out a strong case for Turtledouchery:

Turtleman, and here’s why. Popped collar. Cum receptacle necklace. Two diamond stud earrings. Chain wallet on an emo kid. Pink shirt with rolled up arms, check. The “hair”. The hott with the miniskirt. When she bends over to pick up her PBR bottlecap at the kegger, you’ll see the black thong she’s sporting. The vacant “too cool for these f@#king kitchen pictures” look.

Turtleman FTW.

But Tighty Wipey takes the douching cake and a spot in the Yearly in December’s Douchie Awards. As Ol’ Bagnanimous puts it:

At first I was going to go for the Pancake…..and, while he is infuriating, and his hott perhaps the hottest,(it too close to call with T/A’s hott), in the end, I had to go for Armani…. his Hott is young Valerie Bertinelli with Paris Hilton’s hair, and, his arrogant, I am superior to you down the nose look makes me want to kill him with an empty ‘Goose bottle, and his snaky lookin’ friend, as well

Love the Valerie Bertinelli hair. And as douchebagus maximus aptly sums it up:

I hate everything about Tighty. He represents everything that just plain sucks.

Yes. Yes he does. Give the Armani Tight and Blonde Doe their victory. And by victory, I mean seven more months of mocking until the Douchies.

# posted by douchebag1

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