Wednesday, April 2, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: Turtleman


It was a lesser Weekly this week, but they all can’t be Deathtongue. Kind of a surprising win, as I thought Ned’s classic Rehab Vegas disaster would’ve taken the Weekly. But it is Turtleman’s power of superdouche that wins this week with ease.

It’s always nice to see a douche superhero get recognition. Especially one with his Turtle Call Sign stapled to the wall. It’s like Batman, without the gadgets, gear, storyline or rubber nips.

Then again, Turtleman may actually have a set of rubber nips in his closet.

don choadle makes the case:

Turtleman is modern douche. Your college-freshman, frat-pledging, assnoodle. It’s all downhill for him from here.

One vote for Turtleman. May a giant tortoise take a dump on his face.

One can only dream of turtle dumpings after this pic. eds “I see douchebags” wood explains in more detail:

What bothers me most is sweet Polly is so girl next door hott and still can be saved from bleethdom. The cute face, a God-given hardbody, a natural tan, and that sexy lace bottom to her shirt.

The sexy lace bottom is definitely quality, EISDW. I’m pleased to see Polly gettin’ the girl-next-door luv. schwagle keys in on Turtleman’s adoucherements:

His ripped jeans, dogtags, and unbuttoned shirt with popped collar are all signs of douchiness, but his hair is what really takes the cake (and by cake, I mean poo). It reminds me of a friend of mine who has a relatively hairless back, except for one small patch that has hair growing like crazy out of it. Factor in the blank and yet pompous stare, and you have my vote for the weekly.

The poo cake is spot on, schwagle. Still, douchashov throws in with Vegas Ned:

Sorry, got to go with Ned’s Fantasy Camp. Turtleman looks like he just stepped out of Speed Racer, which while douchey is also too cute, so don’t cut it. Balboabag looks like he’s desperately suppressing a grin, leaving him looking awkward and lost–not douche. Ned, though, is unafraid to let the beer belly loose and still show the douche sneer-of-entitlement. Sue Kim IS fine, but Ned’s got a twofer. Whassup, Ned!

And kim jong douche agrees that Ned deserves our collective scorn:

Not since watching the changing of the guards at Buckingham palace have I seen a stare so vacant… Almost grasping at the concept of becoming an uber-douche but knowing that the poor choice of tat and addiction to the double-double animal style will lead him to a life of medi-douchity.

But while Ned came in second, and Nighthawk a surprisingly distant third, it was a landslide for the Turtleman. The everpresent anonymous explains why:

Although the other two sport higher quality hott, Turtleman oozes douchosity like an inflamed pustule. His douched-out emo hair, ridiculous popped collar, and unnecessary wallet chain scream toolbag. And what’s with the multiple necklaces…Not even the industrial cleaner “The Works”, showcased on the table behind him, can clean off the horrid nature of his over the top emo-douchitude.

So lets clear a space for Turtlman and Sweet Polly Stateschool in the Monthly. Sure he’ll probably get his ass kicked like Gleek after the Wonder Twins went on a three day meth bender. But for now, they’re our Winners.

And by Winners, I mean dirty kitchen.

# posted by douchebag1

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