Wednesday, June 25, 2008

HCwDB of the Month: The Metaphysical Hooligan


From this moment this coupling first appeared on the site, there could be only one response to this heaping uberdouche and sweet Italian hott:

Collective mocking, sarcasm and witty repartee from a safe distance. So I turn it over to the ‘bag hunting collective to make the case:

hairy prodder:

Metaphysical Hooligan FTW. He is all that is scrote, and his hott pulled through in the clutch during the Thugmani Exchange.

II e-dog:

Metaphysical Hooligan, most definitely. I’m waiting for him to quickly jerk his head and catch his nipple ring with his fake dog tags so I can console Carly Hott in her distress.

jonezy:

MetaHouliDouche is repugnant. He is HoS. Will he take home the 2008 Douchie???

ac/dc bag:

The Metaphysical Hooligan. I’ve never seen a face so clearly deserving of a large helping of Fist. Not to mention the hot’s smile melts me like midday sun on new fallen snow. Oh and skullboobies. how can you not love skullboobies?

The everpresent anonymous:

Hooligan, star-childe of douchebaggery, scrot of the cosmos, ftw. You can tell from his other pic that he practices his Derek Zoolander ‘look’ in the mirror for his next photo-op.

grumpy llama:

The Metaphysical Hooligan simply has to win. The case I made for the weekly still holds true. Yes, Truman or Smearkat might have a chance if it weren’t for the Hooligan. But Zippy, while infuriating, isn’t fit to carry the Hooligan’s (douche)bags. Not only does Hooligan win the monthly, but I feel compelled to invoke Kant’s notion of the “moral imperative” and insist the Hooligan be fast-tracked for the Hall of Scrote.

Anyone who invokes Kant to explain douchery is on the right track. Hos may very well be in MH’s future, GL. But bananaphone bucks the tide, reminding people to consider all that is poo about Truman Coyote and Reese Hotterspoon:

I have to go with Truman Coyote hands down. The gangsta tats combined with the upturned hat that makes him look like he’s 12 years old and wearing daddy’s baseball cap is just too much for the hooligan to overturn.

He reminds me too much of the WB cartoon of the two dogs. the bulldog and the terrier. Truman would be the little dog bouncing around saying, “Whaddayawannadoo, Spike? You wanna chase cars? You wanna get the cat? Huh, Spike? Huh? Hey Spike, you wanna bone?”

Excellent classic WB reference, BP. And champagne douchernova reminds us of the understated douchery of Zippy and Lacy Underalls:

In closing…Zippy FTW. His pale, muscle free body is an attempt to circumvent the obvious bag avoidance routines. He is the Stealth bag that ends up turning your sister into the Oompa Lady.

Again, I say Zippy FTW. And he, more than any other of the monthly hopefuls, needs to be monkey stomped so I can console sultry next door Lacy Underalls.

I’ve been there, CD. She is delectable. The cleverly monikered abbroham lincoln agrees:

It’s got to be Zippy. He meets all the qualifications for douchedom, and his hott easily blows all the others out of the water. Sure he wins on the power of the hott, but I just don’t give a damn.

And grady bagmore honors the legendary George Carlin, by voting for the Smearkat and saying one word: “Boobies.”

since this month is dedicated to George Carlin, i must vote for smearkat, because Carlin loved the boobies.

I think I’m still stunned about the passing of Carlin. It’s impossible to overstate just how vital, important and hilarious he was. One of the great Americans of our lifetime.

But enough memorializing, back to the douche. The shaved star-head was too much to overcome. The Hooligan is like the Ace Frehly of Kissbaggery. As jed the avenger explains it:

Metaphysical Hooligan is so douche-tastic that I stopped eating processed food, strongly considered becoming an atheist, and began a life-long vow to be celibate.

Indeed, J the A. And so we honor the legend of George Carlin in the only way we can. By telling douchebags to kiss our ass and lusting after their hotts along the way.

Book The Metaphyiscal Hooligan and Carly Hott in the Yearly, where we’ll see them take on Bra!!, Tighty Armani, and the other Monthly winners for HCwDB of the Year in the Douchie Awards.

And props to everyone who voted in yet another brilliant and hilarious comments thread.

You people are part of the collective push-back to change this world for the better. And stare at boobs along the way.

# posted by douchebag1

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