Wednesday, July 16, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: A. D. Artificial Douchetelligence


It was a close vote this week, all three finalists getting their due. But the crimson robot from the future was just too orange to ignore. baggle n lox makes the case:

It’s gotta be A.D.

Yes, he is an android, a douchebot sent back through time to plague the hott and the sane with his rubber-lipped orange face and soulless stare, but you must admire the craftsmanship.

Yes, every gesture is animatronically sterile, but note the perfection with which they are executed – the ab exposure, the cheek-sucking to emphasize the perfectly crafted “serious guy” douche-face.

Also note the meticulous realism of A.D.’s douchy garb, from the wide-strap Jersoid “wife”-beater to the perfectly-torn vintage jeans and the stylish white hoodie. Notice also the trigonometric calculations made by his creators perfectly nailed the Wanna-B-Boy pants droop, sharing with us all the splendor of his ever-so-vanilla plaid boxers. Note that the engineered Bleeth virus is targeted perfectly, transmogrifying each nearby Hott into a douchebaguette proportional to her proximity to A.D.

Some dedicated work went into creating A.D., and we must recognize its genius. All hail A.D.’s futuristic, alien creators. He is robo-scrote; he is androidouche. He is HCwDB of the week.

Damn fine job summing up the win, BnL. daverobfreeman agrees:

Kudos to DB1 for the agony of choice. A.D. FTW based upon the apparent douchal contamination of the two Bleeths. Short Skirt the Librarian seems to be ignoring the filth that is PPK. Vin’s seeming enchantment of the Blonde Saline Balloonist is troubling, yet A.D.’d doucheccouterments, off center navel, and the total nausea of his orange-tinted face blows away Vin’s standard equipment. A.D.FTW!

Nausea being a key word, DRF, well said. But the everpresent anonymous argues for the Ping Pong Beerness of Kong:

Gotta be Ping Pong Kong because of the oblivion factor. How could one be in the presence of such a comely librarian and not be intensely conversing over the romantic poets: “You like Keats? Yeah, me too, but Tennyson really makes my johnson rise. Wanna see?”

Heh. And choadrunnah brings the argument for Vin, the Personal Trainer ™:

Vin. The winner for me because he’s old enough to know better. Unlike Mini Hawk, Vin is far too old to be indulging his inner-douche like this. And by indulging, I mean Axe body spray in glove compartment.

Plus, there can be no question that the Dairy Queen is the hottest chick in the history of the World. She even looks like she might not be that bright. Awesome. I’d switch to the cyrillic alphabet if it meant that she’d have more b’s and e’s to adorn her majestic tetons.

Nothing beats cyrillic alphabet references before breakfast. But phi slamma douchey brings it home for A.D.:

It must be A.D. FTW. The fire is stoked the embers burning and the poker sits ready. I enjoyed looking at the hottest of hotts and colors other than orange but the magnitude of scrotal monstrosity that is A.D. takes it. He’s got the beater, the jebus bling, the boxers, showing of the 7 minute abs’s, ripped jeans and orange. It’s been a good run eyes but you’ve got to go. Did I mention orange.

And batou concurs:

I seriously can’t tell if he’s real or made out of a mixture of wax and forehead grease. He looks like he was plucked from a future museum, where wax sculptures dressed up like douchebags to educate children about how primitive and distasteful 21st century mating rituals were (but in fact only causes them nightmares for weeks).

Anyway, this guy is beyond poo, he is in fact a metaphoric river of sewage. And for that, he deserves the weekly.

Orange takes the cake for A.D. proving the power of scrotal monstrosity can overcome second rate Bleeths.

Book A.D. a slot in the Monthly in a couple of weeks, where he’ll go up against some formidable competition, including Lawnmower Man and Droopy, as well as whomever wins this week.

It’s a well deserved win. And slutty barely legal “American Beauty” blonde is starting to grow on me.

# posted by douchebag1

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