Wednesday, July 23, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: Predatorbag

Your unshaven narrator on all things hott/douche, The DB1, had to get up at 5:30 and do a three minute interview with a radio program based out of Chicago called Mancow, so I’m a little groggy. I think the quasi-interview (was I even asked a question?) was taped during a commercial break, so I’m not sure it even aired, and I didn’t get to say much.

But it did come, in a Heathers moment of cleansing synchronicity, just after Mr. Mancow interviewed the actor who played “Billy” from Predator, who apparently is running for office in Kentucky on the “racist loon” ticket. Billy was going on about how we need to “kill all Arabs,” and other such classiness. Because if there’s anything talk radio needs, it’s more hatred.

But since Predatorbag won the Weekly, and Billy was interviewed before me, it’s all preordained.

City of Brotherly Scrote makes the case:

My vote goes to Predatorbag. His abs reek of Preparation H, he’s got the look of smug arrogance on his face, there’s really no reason for his shirt to be off, and lets face it, the hott is eye-humping the camera like it’s nobody’s business and we can all enjoy that. You suck Predatorbag. I hate you.

Predatorbag FTW.

CoBS, you have hit the nail on the shirtless head. doucheous nero expands on the theory:

Predator FTW. The hallmark of scrotal achievement is when the douche, being human, makes himself look not-human. When the faux that is douche manifests itself physically and beyond mere adornment. The marquee example of this would be the millennium bag. The Predator has achieved such a manifestation, setting himself apart from his competitors.

“The Post-Human in the Age of the Spectacle” in the title of my next Cultural Studies book. I plan to use Critical Race Theory and Post-Feminist Gender Theory in my thesis. Or maybe not. And Sir Douchey reminds us not to forget the core douche factors:

I vote for Predatorbag. Out of context shirtlessness is a big factor in my decision making

Well said, S.D. And ufo destroyers:

I vote Predatorbag due to the fact that he is one of the malformed Jerz Guidos dancing in the middle of the street in the video. Or at least he had withing 15 minutes of taking this pic. And she has tresses like Athena and mounds like Vesuvius coming out of the clamshell with Venus. Also both of them don’t rate to a bag of mulch on the IQ scale — combined.

Heh, he said Vesuvius. But ned’s atomic douchebin reminds us that hott/choad dialectic is where true enlightenment is found:

Predatorbag is the biggest douche. Ice Man’s hott is the hottest. Did anybody mention them hindquarters? But these two are not coupled together resulting in a cancel out. So, I’ll go with Pimpit for the win.

And Jean Claude Van Douche agrees on casting in with Pimpit and his Stage-4 Bleeth:

I have to vote for Pimpit and Paris. Their combined douche/bleethness has me wanting to take a cold shower using said skin-wrapped flatulence, whilst cursing the gods for allowing the existence of such undeniably moronic “hey look at us” scrotal ovulatory filth to inhabit space in this dimension. Pimpit FTW!

That was a glorious sentence, JCvD. While the perfectly formed assedness of the hott pictured in Ice Man came in third, it did so with a core group of hiney worship, as The Cantaloupe Pharalope explains:

I would train hippopotamae to play the banjo, the fiddle, the jug bass, the jug itself, a tin triangle and other redneck instruments and then throw cantaloupes at them as they drove by on the Clampett’s truck playing Ride of the Valkyries if someone told me that her mean big sister didn’t like melons or self-conscious travelling bovine musicians.

Genius, C.P.

Both Scare-A-Douche and blondiedouche provide eloquent treatises in the comments thread too long to cut-n-paste here, but I highly recommend reading the full thread. It is top quality ‘bag discourse, as always.

But this was Predatorbag’s week to fill the fourth and final slot in Monday’s Monthly. douche diggler brings it home:

the Predator Bag has an evil face, like Chucky, but it is made that more terrifying due to its primordial shininess … then there is the weirdly shaped torso that I am pretty sure he crafted by attempting to mirror my shirtless Sgt. Slaughter figurine from 1986 … he is Douchemary’s Baby.

It must be him.

Chalk up the Predatorbag and Gum Snapping Hott for the win, and we’ll see them on Monday in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

Leave a Reply

What is 14 + 14 ?
Please leave these two fields as-is:
IMPORTANT! To be able to proceed, you need to solve the following simple math (so we know that you are a human) :-)