Monday, August 11, 2008

HCwDB of the Week

It is a week of smelly seafood crusted hair gel and too much Drakkar Noir commingling with the lusty form of female youth and healthy womb that inspires hope in our collective life journeys. Within this dialectic, between boobie and greasy, we find enlightenment.

I dedicate this greasy selection of soul-crushing uberdouchery in the presence of the boobie hottie suckle thigh to the legendary vision of Fish Slap, who (dis)graced us with his presence on Saturday.

But lest your humble narrator continues to ramble, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Squidward

Okay, so maybe the Spongebob character has more of a theoretical relationship to this choad than an actual physical resemblance, you be the judge.

For Squidward, the grease factor is off the charts. All you have to do is compare it to the taut, soft, yet spongy, yet lightly cocoa buttery butter rub belly on Janice, and you’ll…

I, uhm, lost my train of thought.

And yes, Janice may have had “enhancements” to her curve. And while I normally take aesthetic umbrage to the need for females to add artificial implants to their form, in this case I will make an exception.

By which I mean I would rub melted brie cheese left in the sun for four months on a toxic decaying alien inside the truck of a Chevy Malibu just for the chance to pass within ten feet of her plastic surgeon at an insurance seminar in Biloxi.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Velco Flabulous

Velcro Flabulous and Swedish Death Hottle have all the makings of a classic HCwDB atomic meltdown.

The flaccid douche in the presence of curvy lickable perfection. The Pokey Little Puppy underwear. The stupid hair and sunglasses. Velco sneakers at a pool party.

And that Swedish square chinned Nordic beauty in tighty mini-hot-pants that would make Himmler swoon with anticipation of procreation for the good of the Reich. She is delightful.

But then we have one potent wildcard in this pic: None other than Donkey Douche. In the background.

Has a Weekly pic ever won based on having a hallowed Hall of Scrote member in the background?

It’s like getting Michael Jordan to be your backup point guard. It’s like casting Salma Hayek as an extra in a Russ Meyer film, but keeping her clothed.

It’s like… another analogy where someone with prodigious talents isn’t the focus.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Crapser the Douchey Ghost

The third strong finalist in this group. Crapser brings the creepy, disturbing rocker douche to the fore of our discussion.

And let us not underestimate Carmelita’s hotness. I heard some complaints in the comments thread that she is not hot. Lets set the record straight right now. Just because she is not Nordic Blonde does not diminish the severity with which I would nibble on that shoulder for a month straight until I grew delirious from malnutrition.

She has skin of golden hue, and an ass that ain’t no donkey.

He is a roly poly ball of translucent ghost-like Amish Scrote.

But does Crapser have enough to take down Velcro and Squidward?

Did that last sentence contain enough actual words to constitute a sentence according to grammar laws?

I know not the answers to these queries. I know only that three hottie/douchey couples enter, but only one can triumph. That, fellow ‘bag hunters, is up to you. Who will win? And by win, I mean we all lose.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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