Monday, August 18, 2008

HCwDB of the Week

Your doughy narrator on all things scrotey/suckle-thigh, the DB1, is very hung over from a weekend carousing with cheap wines, impudent women, tasty Hostess snack cakes, and being chased on one ski by an angry paperboy demanding “two dollars.”

So, on that 80s Cusack reference, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: O-Prune

O-Prune is the classic ‘bag. A narcissistic sunkist orange, if you will.

This captured moment in time suggests a back-story of “x-treme tanning ™,” extensive manscaping using Gillette Crotch-3 razors, and far too many muscle milk drinks.

Never underestimate the added bonus of the hott with trust fund. As 1/2 of every Hottie/Douchey pic, these two cuties bring their A-game.

While O-Prine brings alien facehugger abs that have more ridges than Charles Bronson’s face in Death Wish IV: Senior Citizens on Patrol

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scroteboy Slim

Headphone. Tattoo.

Normally I’d downgrage Scroteboy Slim to a stage-1 or stage-2 scrotal offense, since he’s not busting the face nor hand gestures.

But that tatt.

That tatt alone is a stage-4.

Plus that hat combo.

Plus the chest shave. Rank.

I heard some complaints that Paulina Boobiskova wasn’t up to snuff, and I couldn’t disagree more. She is a racoon eyed exotic eastern european weight lifter who could snap my lower spine like a twig during coitus.

For that alone, I’d buy her two thirds of a used Dodge Nissan and a vacation trip to sunny Delaware. Because hey, times are tight.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Hourglass and the Beachbag

For having a body that sends men into military conflict, The Hourglass earns our respect.

And by respect I mean crass, impudent boob lusting which disregards her as a person nor a fellow human and views her solely as a disembodied object of sexualized product.

Which is demeaning.

But understandable.

Because, hey. That body would fire up a 14th Century monastic eunuch named Herbert to compose love sonnets in Latin.

(Dis)honorable mention to Nipsy’s Bitchez and Hardcore Harry, who just missed the cut. Hard Core Harry is likely the famed Jack Scrotington, so may be in consideration for a career body of douchological accomplishment that deserves acknowledgment. Either HoS or a Douchie Award at the Douchies in december.

But them’s your three. Only one may win. And by win, I mean societal loss.

Honor the DB1’s lost weekend by voting, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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