Wednesday, August 13, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: Crapser The Douchey Ghost


This was a two couple race between the pale Crapser and Mamacita Hott, and the greased up Squidward and the surgically endowed Janice.

In a way, it was classic beachchoad versus the unhealthy rocker scrote.

Two disparate branches of the douchological tree going for the same prize. And by prize, I mean the lip herp. Bill Doucheterive explains why Crapser and Mamacita rise up as a fully superior Hottie/Douchey contradiction:

Crapser. Bigger douche to hott ratio. I would learn how to play the spanish guitar if only to serenade this lovely mamacita, then be told I called the wrong number accidentally and called a Mr. Edward Lonsberry of Bear, DE. and that I would incure several long distance charges.

I’m glad you’re appreciating the mamacita hottness, B.D., as I feel she’s been sadly overlooked, given the monstrosity she’s cuddling. Nick agrees:

Crapser – and it’s not close. That guy makes me happy to be sitting at home playing Wii Baseball on a Saturday night – because I won’t see him out somewhere.

Interesting use of the Wii functionality there Nick. crucial head agrees:

Crapser FTW. Carmelita my mocha love is the sort of lass that reduces normally well spoken gentlemen into an expletive laden stream of adjectives. He curdles blood at the precise moment one’s retinas begin relaying the patterns of light making up this image to the visual cortex.

Strong arguments all around. And apparently it was a Wii weekend for the readers of HCwDB, as El Duderino disagrees, casting in for Squidward and Janice’s two friends:

He is Captain Nemo’s worst nightmare. A mobile slip ‘n’ slide of terror that can only end in him jumping on a plastic lounge chair and breaking his arm…then try to get up and make it look like he meant to do that.

She is the definition of side boob. As much as she’s lying to us all with her surgically enhanced throw pillows, I’d still put my Wii Boxing training to good use and give her the ole ‘left/right’ followed by the ole in and out.

I see what you did there, E.D., jumping from Wii to Clockwork references. Planktony agrees, mesmerized by the large mounds of Janice in the presence of such a grease oven:

Squidward. While there’s ample douchiness in all three candidates, Squid’s hott is by far the most honeysucklethigh. And I can’t even see her thighs.

Akimbo or not, the giant orbs of delight are mezmerizing. I’d bus it to Bayonne wrapped in red jellyfish tentacles and spend all day drinking warm budlight on a cheezy boat tied up to three cheezier boats all blaring different house music if Nunzio told me she was so into tentacles that she wouldn’t mind the smell.

Much can be said for the power of the side boob.

However, I thought Velcro Flabulous, and especially his Nordic Delight, deserved more attention, especially with Donkey Douche’s approving presence, but they fell by the wayside. Hawthorne casts a dissenting vote:

Velcro Fabulous must win.

For a perfect storm exists, not only the utter douchery of wearing kids shoes to the pool, but the delightful innocence of the viking temptress, combined with the implicit approval from a HoF ‘bag. A home run….Nay a grand slam of douchbaggery

But it is the Crapser who takes the pale, unhealthily unpigmented douche cake this week. John Wilmot, 2nd Earl Of Douchechester explains:

It is rare indeed that a douche appears on this site who possesses that unique combination of scrotery and a comically surreal appearence that causes me to laugh out loud.

Crapser the Douchey Ghost had me laughing out loud for a solid minute; a feat surpassed only by the legendary Millennium Bag.

Crapser FTW

And LL E-Dogg takes it home:

I think, for me, it all goes back to the anarchic-douche. Trying to go against the system, and then trying to work it into your favor in order to score Carmelita Hott is the ultimate in hypocrisy. You can’t use the system to your advantage in this way, and still listen to Rage Against the Machine. I vote for Crapser!

Well argued LLED. Book Crapser a ghostly ticket in the monthly.

But fret not Squidward fans. Methinks Janice’s sideboob will be up for a Douchie Award at the Douchies in December.

# posted by douchebag1

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