Wednesday, August 27, 2008

HCwDB of the Week: The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner


2008 is shaping up as the year of the Everybag. The subtle douche. Unlike 2007 uberbags like Fish Slap and The Gator, this year the spectacle club scrotes are less rage inducing than the subtle sneering ubersquat. The everpresent anonymous explains:

boatbag simply wins this one far and away because he is on a boat. And he is sneering. And his hotts have inner thighs that need urgent suckling, even moreso than Gauntlet’s hotts, which, while suckle-worthy, lack the pouty curves and ample bosoms of boatbag’s team.

Well said A. Anthony Labaglia breaks it down further:

Although at first glance, I find The Gauntlet to be more repulsive, I feel that the Scrotey Mariner and his body of work will contribute more to the site in the long run. Additionally, every time I see his douchey face in a boat, I have the urge to run him up the mast like Lieutenant Dan in a lightning storm. Holding a nine-iron. SM ftw.

It is the Mariner’s subtle sneer that is even more powerful than a thousand star tatts. Douche Aura has now become more enraging than Douche Spectacle. We are learning.

And Frederic Choadpin explains that August is Boobies Month:

Scrotey Mariner. To make it brief, those hotts are just too hot. Maybe if the Primordial Ooze’s hotts were in bikinis, they’d have it… but they don’t.

And while it was a lesser week overall in terms of choices (airing out the pre Labor Day pics), The Gauntlet’s “Thirty” sag inspired more than a few bouts of rage. Cleopatra explains:

Gauntlet — he’s the kind of guy that make a girl’s privates close up like a drawstring purse when she sees him coming at her across the barroom floor.

Interesting, not sure I’ve heard that analogy used before, but it’s very visual, Cleo. But the weak hotts cost The Gauntlet what surely would’ve been his Weekly.

douchelexic casts in for the Ooze, who came in a distant third:

between the hat tilt and plastic frame sunglasses on ooze, and the yankees hat, sneer, and cut off cargo shorts of primordial, my vote goes to Primordial Ooze. Middle hott hasn’t yet been infected with bleethness, and outside hott is so skanky that her dirtyness makes me want to shower her with love and dial body wash.

also, P.O. are still young. perhaps a strong collective mock can save them from ending up in a lake boat with midlife crisis tattoos…and sexy blue polka dots. Primordial Ooze FTW.

But, as we’re in the dog days of summer, Boatbags are placing strongly. Captain Abag breaks it down:

The Mariner. Because he really does know better. We all wish we could be on that boat, kicking him off of it.

Yes. Yes we do.

It was a substandard crop of HCwDB finalists this week, but the votes were well played, and it’s the Mariner and his double-hotts who came out on top. And by top, I mean cultural bottom. Poo bottom.

We’ll see them again next week in the Monthly.

# posted by douchebag1

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