Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Reader Mail: "Girlicious"


Jo writes in with a question about female douchitude:

—-
DB1,

Firstly, it was a pleasure to meet you at your NY book signing (my sister and I were the 2 Australians, i was the brown haired one, and we are both making learned & life saving text-book style notes in our well worn copy of HCWDB). Thanks for taking a moment to say hello to us.

Secondly, I’m compelled to write to you after a horrible weekend experience of our own left me questioning the douche paradigm.

I’m a musician and, as you know, my industry is awash with ‘bags. But on Friday night in Atlantic City, New Jersey (yes, it gets worse), I was performing at the House of Blues (within some giant casino) w. a band from NYC. Also performing in the club that night- The Backstreet Boys. From what I can tell, these guys are the ultimate bag-hunter’s catch- a combination of the old-bag & feder-bag, and also the original prototype bag.

But it was not their greasy stench, tired moves and creaky ways which was even the most appalling thing about the evening. Their supporting band, a teen girl equivalent of the Backstreet Boys, assembled by the same woman who created the Pussycat Dolls, made me want to marry Peter Keating whilst simultaneously consume peanut butter cups laced with something that smells like almonds but is not.

I give you Girlicious:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Lr1UPvkF0

I accidentally met them backstage as we were loading in our equipment- they mistakenly thought we had won a competition to meet them and acted accordingly. This chance happening gave birth to an important query.

Of course I understand the appeal of a maiden in distress (or just jumping around on a bed with her friends after she’s taken her school uniform off), but my question to you is: at what point must the Baguette take responsibility for her own actions?

I think it is demeaning to assume all Bleeth’s are fair maidens lost- I believe some go willingly and must therefore pay the price (that is, be mocked… right?). And somehow, at the bottom of it all, I believe Robin Antin is in cahoots with Prince Grieco, if not the Grieco in disguise.

I would love to know your thoughts on this. My sister and I send our best and wish you a speedy recovery after your own sickly weekend.

Oh, and to top it off, to get to our hotel we had to walk through a ‘White Party’ for single over 40’s- believe me that you can’t even scratch some images out of your retinas.

thanks and take care,

— Jo
PS. here’s another description of the evening
—-

The question of the Douchadox is a profound one, and I’m often queried about the responsibility of the hott to quell the spread of douche virus.

The truth is I do not forgive the hott in all cases, nor do I see her as purely “innocent.” I just want to lick her kneecaps like a cracked up ferret. This dual contradictory impulse — to both ridicule the douchebaguette and to lick her kneecaps — is called the douchadox (The “douchadox” is explained in greater detail in the book).

The Douchadox limits and challenges the objectivity of even the most experienced ‘bag hunter. As such, as a female ‘bag hunter, you are vitally important to continue to raise this objection to my biased ‘bag hunting ways.

The responsibility of the hott not to become douchebaguette is actually the key to unraveling douchal hierarchy. Once the hott rejects the male attempts to douche it up in skeezal style, the entire viral replication pattern breaks down, and both douche and hott gradually become free.

Therefore bands like Girliscious are even more responsible for the spread of Douche Virus than tools like The Bagstreet Boys.

Because of my own struggles with the Douchadox, I rely on the female ‘bag hunters in our community to tag stage-4 Bleeths like Girlicious. Because, as with any type of kryptonite, I can only journey so close as ‘bag hunter before I break down and build sand castles out of used goiter medicine in the Australian outback just for the chance to gnaw on their grandmother’s sister’s best friend’s used stockings.

# posted by douchebag1

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