Tuesday, September 2, 2008

HCwDB of the Month

August was Boatbag and Beachbag month. We have no less than three beach hottie/douchey couplings in the Monthly. And one disturbing image that cauterizes wounds and neuters alley-cats. Which one will win the Monthly and earn a slot in the Yearly in December?

That’s up to you.

But lest I ramble too much as I nurse a mean ‘Train hangover on this post-Labor Day Tuesday, here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Squidward

In an executive decision, I bumped Crapser The Douchey Ghost and am entering Squidward in the Monthly instead.

Since the vote had been extremely close, and Janice’s perky boobage made my happy pants do the happy dance while greased up Squidward burned holes in my retinas like melting Raiders of the Lost Ark heads, I made the switch.

But now I’m not so sure. Crapser’s a pretty tremendous rocker douche. And his Chiquita is delightful.

But so be it. Squidward’s oiled up douchebaggery has squeaked into the Monthly. Come to think of it, that guy is just a huge douche.

They’ve earned their slot as a couple. But enough to win the Monthly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Rime of the Scrotey Mariner

The Scrotey Mariner doucheth one of three…

True, we have yet to link the Coleridge poem literally with this abomination mutant of oldbag and boatbag. But it works on the esoteric level.

The Scrotey Mariner’s sneer/hand-gestures go beyond the sum of their parts. He is ass-kick worthy douche.

While two happy party hotts think winsome thoughts of summer homes in the Hamptions, lunching on the veranda, and oiling each other up with Canola and reenacting the fight scene from They Live. Only with bikinis and suntan lotion, rather than bad acting and wrestler dudes.

Because life really isn’t complete without occasional They Live references.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: The Hourglass and the Beachbag

As perfectus as Hourglass is, I’m wondering if we erred too much on the site of the Hotts this month.

Her beachchoad’s pretty generic.

Don’t get me wrong, The Hourglass deserves enshrinement in all of our collective psyches. But O-Prune really was the uberdouche of that week. And O-Prune’s hotts were nothing to shake an ugly stick at.

But the voters vote, and since I already overturned one vote, I can’t do a second.

That being said, The Hourglass’s excessive, almost cartoonish curves really are the hott response to a Stage-4 douchebag’s extreme cartoon douchery. So, in a way, she is the Fish Slap of Hotts.

So I take it back. For sheer power of hott, this coupling does deserve finalist status.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Mooby Dick

The Moobs burn the soul and render all of human accomplishment a waste.

Here is a person, if I can call it a person, that had a shirt designed to show off his giant man boob pecs. He then selected a large tan douche-belt to accent the stomach area. And lets not forget the stylishly “distressed” retro bell bottom jeans.

Combine that with a douche-face and a perky co-ed he’s coerced into fondling his moobs, and there’s enough rotting garbage to power the DeLorean.

If you’re voting on douche-power over hott power, it’s Squidward or Mooby.

If you’re voting on hott power enhancing lesser choad, it’s The Mariner or Hourglass and Beachbag.

But remember fellow ‘bag hunters, your vote should be guided by both hott and douche. In dialectic. Structuralist meanings of codes and signifiers linked through the negation of the negation.

Which of these four couplings rises to a Monthly victor?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1

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